Intimate Details with Dr. Tiff
A safe space for intimate conversations with some of the most dynamic and magnetic people you'll ever want to meet, Intimate Details with Dr. Tiff is like sitting down with your favorite bougie auntie, bestie, therapist. So grab yourself a drink and a nosh, pull up a chair and lean all the way in. We're going deep and it promises to be one helluva ride.
Hosted by: Dr. Tiffanie Davis Henry
Produced & Edited by: Rideia Wilson
Intimate Details with Dr. Tiff
Day 21 of TOW: Lesson Learned
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What if the repeated patterns in your relationships are trying to teach you something crucial about yourself? On today's episode of Intimate Details with Dr. Tiff, we embark on a reflective journey into past relationships, transforming the question from 'why did this happen to me' to 'what is this teaching me?' For Day 21 of The ONE Within 30-Day Journaling Challenge, we're focused on conducting a 'Relationship Inventory.' And by examining past experiences, we uncover the lessons that shape who we are today, allowing us to foster healthier, more fulfilling future relationships.
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Intimate Details with Dr. Tiff is hosted by Dr. Tiffanie Davis Henry. Follow Dr. Tiff at @DrTiffanieTV on Instagram and learn more about upcoming programs, challenges and services at www.DrTiffanieHenry.com
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Hello and welcome to Intimate Details with Dr Tiff. I'm your host, Dr. Tiffanie Davis Henry, and today is the 21st day of The ONE Within 30 Day Journaling Challenge. I hope you guys are well. Today is going to go fairly quickly, in full disclosure. I have someone coming over to the house in just a couple of minutes, but I wanted to make sure I'm trying my best, especially since we are in the homestretch, not to miss a day. So I wanted to make sure that we got everything in. And again, this challenge, these journal prompts, shouldn't take you more than about five minutes. So why am I spending more than five minutes trying to go over each day with you? I don't know, but it's because I love you. It's got to be because I love you, all right, so let's go ahead and jump in today and get started on the prompt. We don't have time to tarry, all right.
Dr. Tiffanie Henry:Day 21 is a relationship inventory. You know, I like taking notes, taking stock of where we are and making sure that we are reflecting on. Reflecting on everything, whether it's self-care, whether it's past mistakes, whether it's past relationships, and today that's exactly what we're doing. We don't, we can't get to where we're going unless we know where we've been, and I think I told you at the beginning of this challenge that we would be looking back and moving forward simultaneously. So today is one of those days where we're looking back in order to move forward. All right. So day 21, relationship inventory.
Dr. Tiffanie Henry:The prompt is to list out the lessons learned from past relationships. How have these experiences shaped who you are? List out the lessons learned from past relationships. How have these experiences shaped who you are? I know that sometimes we come when we think about our past relationships. The reason why some of those relationships are past is because they did not work out and or they weren't meant to be, or it's the one that got away. Our past relationships are meant to grow us. They're meant to grow us in a way, I know.
Dr. Tiffanie Henry:A lot of times people feel like, well, this relationship was a mistake, especially when they don't work out right. This relationship was a mistake. Or I wish I had never met this person. They ruined my life. If I hadn't been in a relationship with them, these negative things might not have happened.
Dr. Tiffanie Henry:But I want you to think about relationships in terms of why more of the why you are in relationship with this person. What am I supposed to learn from this experience, and for me as a relationship coach, as a therapist, I'm always thinking not about why did this happen to me, but shifting the thought and the narrative that this is happening for me. I'm in this situation because there's something that I need to learn, and so, as you're thinking about today's journal prompt and looking back at past relationships, I want you to think about what you were supposed to learn in that situation. Okay, because anything and I said this, I think, a couple of days ago if there is, if if we are seeing something happen repeatedly in our relationships, is because we have yet to learn from that thing that we keep seeing repeatedly. So, if you are consistently missing red flags, if you are consistently in relationship with people that disrespect you or take advantage of you or don't appreciate you or, you know, take you for granted, what is it you're supposed to be learning from that situation? Is it better boundaries? Are you supposed to learn how to say no? Are you supposed to learn to trust your instincts and your gut? Are you supposed to learn your worth, to get a better understanding of your worth and your value and what you bring to the table?
Dr. Tiffanie Henry:Sometimes we are in relationship with people, not because they're the best option out there, but because we have decided that it's easier to be with them than it is to stand up for ourselves and do what would make us feel better. So I want you to look at this journal prompt and look at those past relationships and really think about what was the lesson that I was supposed to learn here. Why did I keep having to go through this? What was God trying to teach me in this moment that I just refused to learn until I learned it? I share with you guys a previous relationship that I had back in the day. This is pre-husband of mine and you know it was for me. It was a hard lesson to learn, because and the lesson was here's the big lesson, I think, was to trust my instincts, because there was always a voice in the pit of my stomach telling me this shit always.
Dr. Tiffanie Henry:But I wanted him to be shit so bad I did. I really really wanted him to, but he was not Okay. And there was. There became a time. You know, I think you bargain with yourself and you, you grieve kind of what you anticipate or what you wanted that relationship to be, and there's a time where you start to bargain, like, okay, I'm going to give it one more try and if this don't work out, then I'm going to do this. If, if he cheats on me this time, or if he lies to me this, if I catch him in one more lie, then I'm going to do whatever. And, of course, those you would. Those things happened, right.
Dr. Tiffanie Henry:And then I had to either keep my word about what I told myself I would do, and maybe even what I told him I would do if this happened again. Right, I had to either keep my word or eat my words. I had to either keep my word and do what I said I knew I needed to do, or I would justify going against my word, going against my boundary, which gave him further permission to sidestep my boundary, because he knew that I didn't respect my boundary. So why did he have to, you know?
Dr. Tiffanie Henry:So that was a tough lesson to learn, because what I, what I know to be true now and this is something that I say to a lot of my clients we all have that voice, and especially women, we have great intuition. It's just taking the leap of faith that what you are being told, whether it's by God, by your gut, the universe, mother nature, whatever it is. What you know deep down is absolutely true. That feeling that you have, you know that it's true. That's the lesson that you were supposed to learn. That lesson is inside of you already. It's instinctive, and we have to start. The greatest lesson is learning how to listen to that inner voice, to trust that inner voice. And I always say to you you know, I am never mad at myself when I listen to that voice, when I heed that warning, but I'm always mad at myself, pissed off when I don't, because when I don't that you fall into those repetitive tracks, trap traps. Uh, when you fall into those repetitive traps, when you, you know it's the worst feeling in the world. When you knew it, you knew because your gut was telling you the whole time. You knew it, but you did it anyway and now you've got to deal with the consequence of it. So there you go.
Dr. Tiffanie Henry:I want you to go through today's journal prompt relationship inventory, list out any lessons that you learned from your past relationships. And maybe you didn't learn those lessons until the relationships were well over. I know, with that particular relationship that I was speaking of a few days ago, I didn't fully learn it, even after you know we stopped seeing each other. It was years where I just kind of thought back to that relationship, as you do. Like these relationship inventories, you kind of think about the relationship you've been in, why you broke up and what you know. What was the cause of the breakup? How did it officially end? Why did you keep going back? All of those things? It wasn't until I really started to think about that relationship and process, how we, how it went on for so long that I started to think about this is really I learned a lot. I learned a lot the hard way, but I also learned in in this this, the second part of this question how have these experiences shaped you?
Dr. Tiffanie Henry:What I want you to remember and think about, what I want you to think about while you're doing this, is that even the bad stuff teaches us. Right, it teaches us. Sometimes you go through a bad relationship and it's not until you have an experience that you realize. That's not for me. I don't like that. Maybe you never thought of it as an option before. You never thought that this is something that you would be involved in.
Dr. Tiffanie Henry:Here's an example Affairs, right, when individuals have an affair or have to deal with an affair in a relationship. Most of us think we're of the mindset you know, if anybody ever cheats on me, I'm out, never going to deal with that again. I won't be cheated on. That's just where I draw the line and that's a fine boundary to set, not saying that that's wrong. Okay, you know what you value in relationship, and fidelity is one of those things that you value, perfectly fine. But once you experience it, especially with someone whom you feel is your person, someone that you plan on being with um for the rest of your life or you know you're in it for the long haul, whatever you may feel differently. You may feel differently because of everything that you've invested in the relationship right.
Dr. Tiffanie Henry:And having coached and counseled many couples through affair recovery, I've had many couples say that the affair woke them up to what was going on in their marriage, to what was going on in their marriage, that they had ignored things or swept things under the rug or didn't minimize problems or didn't realize that they were pushing their partner away and into the arms of someone else. I even had one person years ago say the affair saved my marriage because I would not have owned up to and or recognize what was going on, and so it was an important lesson for me to learn that I have to do these things in order to feed, keep, sustain my marriage Okay order to feed, keep, sustain my marriage Okay. That is a very like, that's a very unique example, but there are things, good and bad, that our past relationships will teach us, and I feel like all of the experiences that we go through, we grow through in our relationships, and they are meant to teach us things we are meant to learn, all right, and they are meant to teach us things we are meant to learn, all right. So I hope that this isn't too challenging, but remember what I said as we began this is your journal, so put all of yourself into your writing. Don't let it take up and consume all of your day, but just absolutely know that the work that you do will benefit you, but also will benefit your future relationships.
Dr. Tiffanie Henry:The reason why I'm asking you to do this is because I want you to keep an inventory of the lessons learned, so you don't have to keep relearning them. When they show up, you recognize them immediately and you can say, oh, I'm not going through that again, or you know what. This was, an experience that actually grew me up in a way that I don't mind going through again, um, because I know it's. It's going to grow me in this relationship and in love and in life. All right, all right. I hope that you guys have a wonderful day. This has been day 21 of the One Within 30 Day Journaling Challenge, and also this is Intimate Details with Dr Tiff. I will see you guys tomorrow. Bye.
