Intimate Details with Dr. Tiff
A safe space for intimate conversations with some of the most dynamic and magnetic people you'll ever want to meet, Intimate Details with Dr. Tiff is like sitting down with your favorite bougie auntie, bestie, therapist. So grab yourself a drink and a nosh, pull up a chair and lean all the way in. We're going deep and it promises to be one helluva ride.
Hosted by: Dr. Tiffanie Davis Henry
Produced & Edited by: Rideia Wilson
Intimate Details with Dr. Tiff
Hand-Crafted Connections: A Guide for Modern Dating with Tana Gilmore
Ever wonder how to strike the perfect balance between your love life and a demanding career? Tana Gilmore, corporate powerhouse turned love guru, joins us to share her incredible journey and the lessons she's learned along the way. In this episode, Tana reveals the secrets behind making powerful connections and guides us through the labyrinth of modern dating, offering invaluable advice for those who seem to have it all but are missing that one piece – a fulfilling relationship.
By the end of our conversation, you'll walk away with a fresh perspective on love, an understanding of what it takes to maintain a healthy relationship, and the confidence to pursue a partnership that complements your ambition. Join us for a heart-to-heart that may just change the way you approach dating and relationships for good.
About Our Guest:
To find out more about our guest, Tana Gilmore, follow her on Instagram @tanacgilmore
If you're interested in matchmaking services, visit www.thematchmakingduo.com
Also, check out her show Love Match Atlanta on Peacock, https://www.peacocktv.com/watch-online/tv/love-match-atlanta/6117586271801255112?irclickid=3bGSLoyIJxyPW9vWPsQgnRchUkHUPo11R0F-QY0&irgwc=1&utm_source=pk_vrs_imra&utm_medium=pd_aff_acq_psdlnk&utm_term=Wildfire%20Systems&utm_content=828265&cid=2201affiliateevgnpkpdaff4393&utm_campaign=2201affiliateevgn
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About Our Host:
Intimate Details with Dr. Tiff is hosted by Dr. Tiffanie Davis Henry and produced by Rideia Wilson. Follow Dr. Tiff at @DrTiffanieTV on Instagram.
For media inquiries, feel free to email at hello@drtiffanietv.com. If you're interested in supporting the podcast through sponsorship or wish to book your client to be featured on our program, email us at intimatedetailspod@gmail.com
All interviews are available for viewing on YouTube. Click the link below or tap HERE to WATCH EACH EPISODE! https://www.youtube.com/@DrTiffanieTV/podcasts
After a 25 plus year career in corporate America, my guest today became a certified life relationship, sex and intimacy coach, certified matchmaker, author, inventor and keynote speaker. You've gotten to know her from Bravo's Love Match Atlanta where, together with her business partner, kelly Fisher, she specializes in helping women of power balance their career, personal and love lives. Please welcome to Intimate Details with Dr Tiff, ms Dana Gilmore. Thank you so much for having me.
Tana Gilmore:I appreciate it. Oh my gosh.
Dr. Tiff:Thank you for being here. Listen, you are the first matchmaker ever that I have ever known and certainly ever been on this program. First Black matchmaker, first matchmaker I've ever known, definitely the first Black matchmaker I've ever even known of this is wild to me and I'm so fascinated by this career.
Tana Gilmore:It's a fascinating career actually, and you know what it's this, this profession, has gone on for years and years and years. It's just not customary to our culture. That's what it is.
Dr. Tiff:That's what it is.
Tana Gilmore:That's what it is.
Dr. Tiff:We don't know nothing about this. No, no.
Tana Gilmore:So can you imagine me going home to my husband? I have this huge, cushy executive position in corporate right In business development, marketing and advertising. I'm like you know what, honey? I'm going to leave corporate and be a matchmaker. My mother was like are you nuts?
Dr. Tiff:You can leave that good corporate job. That good corporate job, exactly that good corporate job with the benefits, with the benefits, with the, you know.
Tana Gilmore:Yeah, I want to spread love. I want to spread love, I want to bring people together. You know, I was already doing it unofficially, just with friends. But I'm like, yeah, I want to do this, I want something that has purpose and something that makes me feel good. And my business partner was on board and we were like, let's do this. And I'll tell you, um, dr Tiff, when we started, we opened our doors and within two months we were both able to, because we used to work together in corporate. So we we quit our cushy corporate job within two months because we had so much notoriety and so many clients coming on board Can you imagine the need in our culture for this particular process? And they I mean they were coming in droves. So we were able to quit within two months and we've never I've never done anything else. I've never looked back.
Dr. Tiff:Neither one of us. And how long has it been now that you've officially 11 years.
Dr. Tiff:Yeah, being a black matchmaker? Yeah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. Okay, so I've got so many questions. So how does one become a matchmaker? How did not, and not, how does one become one today? Because I imagine it's wildly different than when you did it because evolution. But how? When you decided, okay, I'm leaving my corporate job to do this crazy thing that I don't know a lot of people of color that do it? How do you solidify yourself as a matchmaker? What do you need to do?
Tana Gilmore:A couple of different things. So the transition was a little bit different for us because my business partner and I both had challenges in our marriage at the time and we supported each other through those challenges and we decided, you know, we're really good at this. And we realized that every time we had gone to speak to C-level executives as that was part of our role we would find ourselves in the corner Like they were just asking us questions and they just started telling us all their personal business Well, you don't even know us. And we were like you know, we are really good at this. Let's go back to school, let's get credentialed, let's become life and relationship coaches. First, because we had originally planned to just be relationship coaches. But then, you know, we had so many like amazing black women that were like you know what I feel great about myself right now? I really want to meet someone who do you have?
Tana Gilmore:We're like we don't have anybody, like how do we? So, how do we, you know? So let's add this layer additional layer to our company. So we went, we again. We've gone back to the Matchmaking Institute in New York, got credential, got certified. In that I didn't even know it was a thing until we started researching.
Dr. Tiff:I'm learning today that it was a thing.
Tana Gilmore:I didn't know it was a thing either it was a whole thing and we had gone back to school about credentialed in that as well, and then again we had so much notoriety right away that we were forced to open up our business a little bit sooner, because the New York Post came to the school and did a story on us. That was our first press release was the New York Post, and so we weren't even prepared to open our business. But when the Post does a press release.
Dr. Tiff:you get it done and we became national instantly.
Tana Gilmore:We were both living in North Carolina at the time, in Charlotte, and we had planned to just start out small start, local. We couldn't, because when the Post does something, it's national. Yeah, and that's what happened.
Dr. Tiff:It's so funny because, uh, in our last interview we were talking about the concept of going viral and, uh, one of the things I didn't say but I've I've heard over time is like nobody, you think you want to go viral but you really don't. Um, and part of the beauty of part of the beauty of not is being able to build an infrastructure and having things in place so that, when you have that big moment, you're able to support and sustain it and truly reap the harvest and the benefit from it. Was it like, out the gate, before you even start your business, to have this big moment of people looking to you to do what it is you're essentially still studying to do?
Tana Gilmore:We had never done it, and so we. And then I think what? Happened after the New York Post did a story, essence did a story and that took us to our demographic and so we thought in the beginning that we would just serve, as we were both divorced previously, both remarried and everything. But we were like, you know, let's really support, you know divorces, you know single moms with children, you know we had an affinity for that, but that's not who came to us. So who came?
Tana Gilmore:to us were progressive, affluent Black women who had never been married, who wanted children, who had never been married, who wanted children, who had advanced in their career and realized that, holy crap, I don't have any kids.
Dr. Tiff:I don't have nobody laying next to me how?
Tana Gilmore:do I meet someone when I'm so busy I don't have time to sit at a bar and look and look available I don't, and so and look available, I don't, and so what's the next thing? So, that's so. That's what happened. So we prepared ourselves where we just we had taken every inquiry and we responded one by one. We rallied friends and family to support us in the very beginning, because it was the volume was so it was mass, yes, and then.
Tana Gilmore:But we were able to sustain. We weren't, you know, by the grace of God. We were able to sustain because it could have really, you know, gone a different direction, but because I think what helps? We were savvy business women already because we had so many years in corporate, you know, to build an infrastructure. This was like second nature to us because we were already business money, if that makes sense.
Dr. Tiff:Yeah, it's. You know I'm gonna go back to something that you just said that concept of I think we, we did, we've done a lot over the last, I would say, decade of promoting, especially on social, this idea of being booked and busy and being boss women and all of these things, without recognizing that, like you said, I don't have nobody laying next to me, like that's part of the thing that I want. We, yeah, we, as women, have been taught to like make our own money, do our own things. Don't wait on someone to buy you a house or a car like you don't need. You don't need somebody else, you can do it for yourself. And certainly we, as black women especially, are the highest degreed demographic we are. You know, we we're just killing it out here professionally us, because we have been so laser focused in our careers and our education, haven't necessarily flourished in the relationship department. And is that what you were finding?
Tana Gilmore:Oh, absolutely Absolutely so. If you think about it culturally, we were taught by our parents, grandparents hey, listen, go to school, do your very best, best you know. Go to college um advance, don't worry. Books before boys, I mean how many times? Have we heard that like it was like you go and you, you, you do your very best and don't even think about it. Love will find you. That used to work 40 years ago. Right, that doesn't work anymore.
Tana Gilmore:You have to do them simultaneously what we found, though and um, and for years and years we did a college tour relationship readiness. We would go to colleges and talk about relationships. Who teaches you about relationships? Here we have these grandparents with 10 and 12 kids and nobody told, nobody told us anything, how to get them.
Dr. Tiff:Right, right Right.
Tana Gilmore:So so to say that what we would find is that other ethnicities right would go to college and they would come out with a degree. A fiance or a husband Right. We'd go to school. Come out with a degree in some student loans, right.
Dr. Tiff:That's what.
Tana Gilmore:Absolutely In that order absolutely in that order, thinking that love will find us, because we were like no, we got to get this, we got to get this money, we got to get. We have to work hard, we have to prove ourselves. So we've been fighting for a very long time.
Dr. Tiff:That's a whole cultural thing, you know, having to prove ourselves on so many levels like it doesn't even just stop, you know, with the yeah, yeah, that's a whole, nother discussion yes.
Tana Gilmore:Understood. Yes, and so that's what happened.
Dr. Tiff:So okay, so are you? Do you guys primarily in in your business, do you primarily service women or do you work with women and men?
Tana Gilmore:Yeah, so we do, we do both. So probably the majority of, yes, the majority of our clients about 80%, I would say are women and then about 20% are men. But so the more men are coming here lately and it's just been like, especially in the last two or three years they've been coming over because again they're finding that you know, I'm so busy, you know I work, I'm traveling for work, you know all the time and I'm not busy. I, you know I work, I'm traveling for work, um, you know all the time and I'm not really meeting anyone. I'm coming home to an empty house and I want to find my. You know, go to dinner, there's someone there, and vice versa.
Dr. Tiff:But majority of our clients are women okay, um, and I know lots of clients really, or lots of my clients anyway. You know I specialize in sex and relationships and you know many of my clients that are working on finding that right person have had to kind of resort to online dating, which I know so many people have grown wary of, which I can only imagine you get that a lot, that people are tired of trying to figure out this whole online dating landscape that is constantly changing, what makes online dating so tough, and matchmaking kind of the antidote to that.
Tana Gilmore:Oh gosh, great question. So when you think about online dating, you think you have to put in a time. It's like a part-time job.
Tana Gilmore:So you can't just put your photo and your profile up there and expect to have droves of men or women to follow you and find you and initiate conversations. It just doesn't happen like that. You're competing with 150,000 new singles every day on these apps. That's how many people are joining, so that's a statistic. So what happens is it's almost like putting if you and if you do that, you put in your, you're putting your picture in your profile of there's like putting your putting a for sale sign in the backyard that no one knows is there. No one knows it's there, so it's useless.
Tana Gilmore:So you have to be intentional. You have to at least carve out 30 to 60 minutes a day. Busy professionals don't really have that time for that. It's work, it's a part-time job, and so you're sifting and you're reading, and so you're sifting through the profiles with you know men with no shirts, men with no teeth, men with you know, and you're like son, son, I don't have time for this and you get frustrated. I don't have time for this, but there are. I will say there are some gems online if you put in the work and if you sift through. So the difference between online dating and matchmaking is that we're doing the picking for you. So we've gotten to know you, we've coached you, we know what it is that you need versus what you want, and then we're putting you in the same room with compatible people. Now, we can't control chemistry.
Dr. Tiff:However, we can control compatibility, compatibility. So you just said something very interesting about you coach the person who is looking for love. What does that look like? What are you saying to me right now? What?
Tana Gilmore:is that it's a requirement within our company. We don't know what other matchmakers are doing, but it's a requirement in our company because that's our secret sauce. So it's almost like if you can continuously do the same thing over and over in relationships, do the same thing over and over in relationships. You know and you get the same result you have to do something different.
Tana Gilmore:You do, and so if I put someone who's compatible in front of you, you don't know how to talk to them. You don't know how to express your needs and your wants and your desires and things like that Conflict resolution, all those things you don't. You've never learned it. You know how oftentimes we didn't grow up seeing it and we don't know how to navigate this dating space. Unfortunately, we have so many singles that are very shy, very, very much introverted, where they just don't even know how to. They clam up. Their hands, get all slant, uh, clammy and sweaty when they're, especially when they're attracted to someone. Now if we put them across the table from somebody that's unattractive, then they're, they'll talk a lot.
Tana Gilmore:But when someone that has some potential. They're like, they start, you know blotching, and so that's what happens. So, again, we prep you first to get you prepared for the date, just so you know conversation topics, because here's the thing people know within eight minutes if they're going to ask you out again.
Dr. Tiff:Oh really.
Tana Gilmore:They do. They're going to ask you for a second date. They know within eight minutes. Huh, so that eight minutes, that first eight minutes, is huge. It's a great first impression and you know, oftentimes you know historically, we would would. We would come in and talk about work, because that's all we know, that's all we've been doing for the last 25 years right.
Dr. Tiff:Also comfortable because it takes the focus off of me.
Tana Gilmore:I don't have to like be vulnerable at all, I can talk about this distant thing, yeah, yeah yeah, and most of the time you know you'll say well, tell me what you do. Oh, they'll rattle it off. I, I'm like this, this, this, this and this with their career. So tell me what you do on a Wednesday, tell me what you do on a Saturday morning.
Dr. Tiff:It's like I don't know, I don't think y'all want to know what I do yeah, lay in bed till 10.
Tana Gilmore:If I'm lucky lay in bed till 10, if I get if I'm lucky, nothing if I can probably not take a bath until two, please don't ask me what I do on saturday. It's not cute, it's not cute you don't have answers like oh, I read. This man wants to know that you read right, right right he wants to know if he can have fun with you, if he can bring you around his friends, his family you know engage with you in that way.
Dr. Tiff:So yeah, and today, in 2024, and I imagine so, what's the average like age range? Would you say, your sweet spot for the women and men that you, uh, work with?
Tana Gilmore:Yeah, so, um, I'll give you, um, a range. So our client, uh roster is anywhere from 30 to 55. The sweet spot, however, is around that 40, 40 mark because, um, they realized, wow, I thought that I would at least have a child or two by now. And I don't, you know, and many of our clients have already frozen their eggs because they, they, it's just not happened. So they're trying to, I mean, they're preparing for a family. In order to have a family, you need a partner. So it's like, let me, you know, try to to get this together first, and then we'll go there, but 40 is our sweet spot.
Dr. Tiff:Okay. So when you look at that 30 to 50 range 40 being the sweet spot let's talk about the 40s what's common within that range? What is the reason, you would say, why many of them are single at that?
Tana Gilmore:stage in their lives oh gosh, great question um, and I know it could probably be all over the place, but what are you seeing today, in 2024?
Tana Gilmore:so I think that, um, what we've seen over the years is that they're they're so focused on work. Work has become a priority. Their personal life has not. And you know, and what we always say is like, listen, you give this company, you know, get okay, so let's give them 10 hours. Let's give them because in corporate America, you know, eight hours is nothing. They expect about 10, give them 10 hours, but after seven o'clock, that's your time, non-negotiable. Put yourself and your, your personal life, make it a priority.
Tana Gilmore:So I think that, um, in that sweet spot, they don't make their love life a priority. They're tired by the time they get home, they don't feel like dressing up and going out. We, you know, we always say you are on the market 24, seven, not just when you decide to dress up and go outside, but anytime you step out the door is a potential to meet someone. Anytime you go to the dry cleaners, anytime you go to the grocery store, anytime you go to the gas station, there's an opportunity for you to meet someone. But I think that, um, women, uh, I'll say I'll start with women I think that they are sometimes unrealistic about what they can actually command in a person. They feel like you know, I have this amazing career. I should have this amazing man. Well, it has. Those two have nothing to do with the other Right, and so they feel like that A lot of times. They're so, like I would say, stuck in their ways. It's like I've been doing it this long, all this time.
Tana Gilmore:You know, not sure that I'm willing to change, and I don't, I'm not sure I even want to change, and so whoever I meet is going to have to accept me this the way that I am right now. And so as a coach, I'm like, well, we probably need to tweak that because we need you to be a 2.0, you know, be a better version of Dr Steph, you know, I mean, sometimes we just need to. So, yes, I feel like we don't want you to alter your personality and alter who you are. Just be a better version, because whatever you're doing, it's not working.
Dr. Tiff:Whatever you're doing is not working. There's potentially a reason why you might be single in this stage in your life, so that means that if you want to be partnered with someone, there may be some things that you might need to shift and change. Yeah, absolutely not that you need to be a different person I love where you are, I love you down, but there may be some things that we need to shift a little bit to make you more marketable.
Tana Gilmore:And keep more marketable. Because here it is. We don't want to, we don't want to admit it, but we're competing. Even when you go out with uh, with your girlfriends, and you all go to hear live music here in Atlanta, you know there's live music on a Monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday and Friday. You can find somewhere to go have a great meal and listen to live music at any given moment. So when you go out with your girlfriends, believe it or not, if they're all single, you're competing with them as well. So you're still competing, and so I think that men have more options and more choices than we do. Unfortunately, oh yeah, yeah, absolutely, absolutely. Even an overweight, unattractive man has more choices than, sometimes, women, huh, unfortunately. Why do you think that is?
Tana Gilmore:They have more options for them.
Dr. Tiff:Interesting.
Tana Gilmore:Here's the thing.
Dr. Tiff:I'm trying to figure this out.
Tana Gilmore:Yeah, help me yeah, well, here's the thing, because, you know, I think that sometimes we want companionship, you know, um, and it's like you know what, let me just, let me just try this. And they always have somebody. But here, here, you have all of us. I'm sure all of us have like so many great friends and we're like, why are you single? But then this other man walking down here you know like how does he have somebody?
Dr. Tiff:And I guess, I guess what you're saying does kind of like I get what you're saying. Guess what you're saying does kind of like I get what you're saying. There is a, I guess, a pattern for us, and especially black women I think, where we have been told, taught, just don't settle. If I have a master's degree, this fancy corporate job and bringing in six figures, he should be bringing in six figures that we've kind of set a standard so high that we're missing intellectual, professional, whatever equal, but not checking for you know what are his values? How does he, does he treat me well? Um, do we, can we laugh, can we kick it? Can we go on vacation together?
Dr. Tiff:And not, you know, one of us feels like like there's some couples that I like some of my favorite couples to hang out with is are those who kind of compliment each other, like I have a one couple that's coming to mind right now where one of them is just such a planner and loves, loves, loves to plan everything like with their, you know, vacations, restaurants, all the things loves, loves, loves, loves, loves, plan. And the other person is so fine, they both are high-powered, very professional people, but, um, like, so okay with letting the partner have like okay, this is your thing, you do that and but I, I also see where it's. It could be incompatible if they both were just high drive and I want to be the person in charge. I want to be the person that plans. I want to be the person that says where we go and what we do. That's not going to work for everybody.
Tana Gilmore:That's correct. That's correct. And so I think that in relationships, when you're, when you are looking, if you're meeting somebody organically, it's important to you know, have those conversations and ask some of the probing questions to kind of gauge their integrity, morals, values, how they view family, how they view what does a friend think about?
Dr. Tiff:Yeah, what is their friend?
Tana Gilmore:Yeah, that's important. I mean, once you observe that you're like, you know, it's not so much that this person has to be six, four, and you know, and strikingly, you know, gorgeous or any, it doesn't, you know, it doesn't matter. I think that when you start to evaluate, especially in this phase of our life, you know we're looking for quality of life, we're looking to mirror our lives. So it's almost like can we, can we go, can we grow a family? I think that it's important that we view relationships and, as we're looking for someone special, it's almost like for lack of a better word like breeding. Can I breed with them? You know, can we? Can we breed together? Right Cause, if you think about you took to, you know two pedigrees together, you're going to breed greatness.
Tana Gilmore:You're going to breed. You know you, the goal is to breed perfection. However, you both of you haven't agree. You know you, the goal is to breed perfection, however, you both of you haven't. Uh, but master's degrees is not equal perfection. What equals perfection is when, like you said, with your friends, when they complement each other, when you're allowed to be yourself in this relationship, when you're allowed to be expressive and your partner is confident in allowing you to do that right, and so that's a great balance of a relationship. And we I've been married this year almost 22 years, and you know I'm fairly whimsical. I mean I can be one, I can be here one day, that. But my husband's very structured. He's a West Point guy, so he's very structured. He's very logical, me not so much. So we got to see each other.
Dr. Tiff:Yes, yes, I'm a risk taker.
Tana Gilmore:He isn't, you know, so he allowed me to take a risk inside a matchmaking agency.
Dr. Tiff:He allowed me to like you know what?
Tana Gilmore:let me add this other layer of business. Oh, I'm thinking about doing this. Have at it.
Dr. Tiff:He's going to be right here, yeah, yeah, doing the thing, holding it down. Holding it down and that's funny because my husband I think about us in the same way that I will take a leap, I'll jump, I'll just do something, I'll just throw caution to the wind, this is my idea for the day and he'll just be like listen, I love that for you. If it can work for anybody, you're the girl. You go ahead and do it, sis, but not me, buddy. He is not that person. So I get that.
Dr. Tiff:I think one of the things that I really do appreciate about the work that you do is the vetting, because that's kind of my gripe and what a lot of people are so frustrated about with online dating, what a lot of people are so frustrated about with online dating in the real world and the way in which we used to meet people before, in the good old days, before online dating. Yeah, you knew the person that you were dating, or at least you knew someone who knew the person. You could verify they are who they say they are. If they said that they, you know. If you were introduced by a co-worker, you at least know something about the person, or you know their family or you've run across them in different circumstances or functions or whatever. With online dating, you only know who they tell you they are until you find out that's not who they are. So I appreciate the matchmaking process. Can you tell us about how you vet the individuals that come in for your clients?
Tana Gilmore:Yeah, so several different ways, and so we take them through a series of screening to ask questions. But we would. But we use a service to vet and we we also. We use a service, but we also empower our clients to use the service as well and continue the membership. Here's why we can. We can verify someone today, and tomorrow they can do something crazy and end up on the news.
Tana Gilmore:You know, and so we're not going to be responsible for that, but but then so the vetting process looks criminally. That, but then so the vetting process looks criminally. It's through a service. But the other part of the vetting process is let's ask a series of questions that normally you wouldn't know about him until six months down the line. So oftentimes we get into relationships and we have no idea if this person desires to get married, have a family, paint a picture of their life, what that looks like, because sometimes we're afraid to even ask.
Dr. Tiff:And sometimes we're like, oh, let's come up Especially early on, yeah, let's have a conversation or you know we'll get around to that.
Tana Gilmore:We're like no, so we're going to ask those questions right away. Paint me a picture of how you envision the rest of your life to look. Paint me a picture. How many women are already in rotation with you? How many women are you sleeping with? How many women have you introduced to your family? If you go to a family cookout, will your family look at you sideways and cross-eyed if you bring somebody else there, knowing you have somebody else over here? Tell us more about that. And so we ask those types of questions.
Tana Gilmore:also Think about how much time that saves, though it does, and so we brief our. So, once we're doing the screenings, we go back and we brief our clients and we say this is what we've learned.
Tana Gilmore:So you already so the first date. You already feel like you're about three or four dates in because we've already asked the probing questions already. Now whether they've got that we can't verify if they're lying or not. They can be great interviews, right, but at least we've gotten the hard questions out in the beginning about is there potential here? Could this potentially be someone that I can share my life with?
Dr. Tiff:Or am I wasting my time? Maybe have children with and build a family? Yeah, because if you're going into this thinking like, yes, I have these eggs in the freezer, I want to have children. That is super important to me. Don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to have children. However, I don't feel like it's appropriate for me to ask do you want kids on the first date? Going through this process allows me to at least know everyone that they're putting in front of me says that they are on the same path of wanting to have children.
Dr. Tiff:Maybe not right now, maybe not in the next six to eight weeks, you know, but at least I know they do want to have children. So those things we don't even have. I don't have to worry about that part, that is. That is clutch.
Tana Gilmore:It's huge. It's huge because, um, you know you're taking the guesswork out and so we already know upfront that this is the. You have the same end goal. So, when so, and you're compatible, so we deem that as someone, as two people being compatible with each other. Uh, and then, like I said, we can certainly control the compatibility, but the chemistry it's up to you. You know there the compatibility, but the chemistry.
Dr. Tiff:It's up to you.
Tana Gilmore:There has to be some level, the chemistry can grow, so there may not even be butterflies or fireworks on the first date. But when that person starts to show up for you, showing up on time, coming to help you with your car maintenance and doing things, Right.
Dr. Tiff:Butterflies start to develop, start fixing stuff around the house Exactly. Putting up bookshelves and changing smoke detectors and stuff Exactly. Let me find out you handy honey, you might start switching and tweaking.
Tana Gilmore:You know what I mean. You just don't know.
Dr. Tiff:Yes, yes, yes. So let me ask. This is a. I have a question about money, because I know that people are going to want to know that, but the question just popped up in my head and I kind of want to know what the answer is, or if you have an answer or a suggestion, recommendation, okay. How long should a couple wait before having sex?
Dr. Tiff:Someone that you're matchmaking and all that stuff. How long would you recommend if this is someone that you're coachingmaking and all that stuff? How long would you recommend if this is someone that you're coaching? How long would you recommend that they wait before being intimate?
Tana Gilmore:Oh, great question. So I think personally, because I am in the sex and intimacy space as well I'm sex positive I feel like it's a decision that you should make together. I feel like we've had clients that you know we'll do a pre-date call on a Friday and we and we do a post-date call to see how the date went on the Friday and Sunday. They're still together, so it means they've been together all weekend. They've been rolling around all weekend long.
Dr. Tiff:So I think that when you are the compatibility was there. So I think that when you are, compatibility was there.
Tana Gilmore:Compatibility was there. So I think that when you are comfortable with the outcome, should you decide to have sex sooner versus then later? If you're comfortable with the outcome, knowing that it may change the dynamics of the relationship, if you're comfortable and confident and you're willing to take that risk, I would say at 50, no one's waiting four months, no one's waiting three months at 50.
Dr. Tiff:And especially if they were waiting five years.
Tana Gilmore:They're not waiting.
Tana Gilmore:It's going to happen relatively soon. But just be prepared to have the conversation, be prepared of what this looks like the next day. Just be prepared for that. So I try not to give a time frame, but I will say a way to gauge. It is maybe 60 hours of FaceTime and talk time when you feel like you've really gotten to know each other. So it's not necessarily the 90 day rule. You know, don't really subscribe to that because in 90 days you can go out once a month and that's 90 days Doesn't mean that you know him any more than you did three months ago.
Dr. Tiff:But when you?
Tana Gilmore:spend hours on the phone, engaging, building that emotional connection. You know those types of things. Facetime with each other, that means in-person time. So knowing their mannerisms, no gauging how they treat people, if they're kind, all those things you, your, your body will tell you when the time is right and just trust your, trust your body.
Dr. Tiff:Good answer. Good answer, I like that All right. So, um, this process sounds a little bit more costly than your regular online dating app. We are getting a lot more, uh, handholding and service. Um, we mentioned the vetting, we mentioned the coaching. We mentioned, you know, just going out asking all the hard questions, finding the people, making sure that you know the compatibility is there, how much does something like this cost? Because, I imagine that people are like yeah, this sounds fantastic, why?
Dr. Tiff:would anybody do online dating when matchmaking is available. It would save so much time. Sign me up, ok, how much does it cost?
Tana Gilmore:Yeah, it starts around twenty five thousand dollars. Yeah, and if you think about it, we've already saved you time, energy and resources, all of those things, so you know. And the time to sit and screen, interview, interview, it just takes time. So usually around $25,000 is the cost and that's pretty average actually. Yeah, some of the other companies that we know of, you know, especially the companies that are in New York, or even some of the other ethnicities, if you will. They're around 50,000. It's 50 to 100,000. Yeah, wow.
Dr. Tiff:Wow. So you're getting a lot. That's not chump change Like that's a significant portion of money. So if I have 25,000 as disposable quote unquote income to pay for this type of service, I would imagine that most of your clientele is fairly affluent and know that this type of service is available to an elite type of clientele who has this type of disposable income. Does that make it? Is that kind of a function of would want a rich person. I'd like to be married to a rich man or woman? How do you know that? How do you figure? How do you weed out for that?
Tana Gilmore:Well, I think that you know we do a really good job with matching more with what they need, Right, because not everybody requires someone wealthy. They require, especially if you, you know your main career and in time spent working is 10 to 12 hours, you want someone that may have a nine to five and that's going to be home when you get home so that you'll have time together. So it may not necessarily be an issue or something that you want. That's what you require. I should say something that you want, that's what you require, I should say. So that doesn't necessarily mean that they're looking for someone with equal value.
Tana Gilmore:We've not experienced that. Most of us we have, you know, politicians, celebrities, gosh, you know. As for surgeons, doctors, lawyers, like that's primarily our demographic and probably majority of them will tell us that they would rather have someone that treats them really well. That doesn't matter what they do. They can be an electrician, it can be, you know, whatever but they would prefer someone who's going to treat them well, someone who's going to be stable, respect them and they're very open, I mean it's.
Dr. Tiff:It's a bonus if the income mirrors, but it's not a requirement. It's so interesting Cause we, I think we seek out, I think a lot of people have a tendency to seek out the same thing, something that is very similar, and then what we start to realize as we age and as we have a series of bad relationships, is how much those things just don't matter and how bare bones our needs are truly and what we need in a relationship.
Tana Gilmore:Yeah, do you like that? Do you like that individual as a person? Do you respect them as a person? Should we have another quarantine? Heaven forbid Can you quarantine with this person for two months and sit in one spot. Do you like them enough to be able to do that? Do you trust? Them to keep you safe and to protect you.
Dr. Tiff:Do you? You know I mean those things.
Tana Gilmore:Yes, those, those are things that matter, especially when you um, you know, when you're a person of a particular age, we're looking at those types of things we're looking at. You know, at the end of the day, I want to retire, I don't know. I want to retire with my partner. I don't know that 25 year olds are looking at we're going to retire together. You know what I mean.
Dr. Tiff:I can't wait for us to just move to Florida and un-retire? They're still living with their parents. What are you talking about? Retire?
Tana Gilmore:And now we're like what does your world portfolio look like? Okay, well, this is what my mom said we put these together, we can do this, we can do that, we can build together. Or you, we put these together, we can do this, we can do that, we can build together. Or you know what? I'm looking forward to having grandchildren with you someday. I'm looking forward. So when you get to a certain age, your life, your perspective on life changes and what you require and you know and just foresee for yourself.
Dr. Tiff:You know, just it's different.
Tana Gilmore:I'm a very different person even 10 years ago than I am today. All of us are.
Dr. Tiff:Yeah, I was having a conversation with a client a few weeks ago and this client argued me down that they were the same person, that they've always been. I'm like you can't that, but at the same time we think I've always been the same person. What you see is what you get, and it's just like you're telling me that you have not evolved at all in 10 years. That is disgusting. It is.
Tana Gilmore:It is and you're not self-aware either. So you're in denial yeah that part that part.
Dr. Tiff:So, um, I imagine all of those certifications come in handy with this work. How do you incorporate the skills? Because I'm wondering, let's say you match, right, you match with someone and you decide like ooh, this is a great relationship, or someone that I can see myself going on several dates. I can see myself going on several dates, like I want to be with this person. Do you guys still like follow through with them, like with aftercare and support, and like, what if an issue arises? Like you know we're having a communication challenge, or the sex, like I love this person so much but the sex just isn't where it needs to be? Are you able to incorporate some of the other training that you have into the match, cause matchmaking is a very specific job. We're getting the match, yeah, but then there's once they are matched. How do we sustain?
Tana Gilmore:Yeah, we do, and it's so great because, um and that's the part that I love the most, I think that's my sweet spot, like I love helping couples kind of navigate through life together because it is new. It is new, it's um, it's different, and there are some some peaks and valleys and ebbs and flows in their relationship. You're trying to, um, bring two people who have never known each other, who's who have lived their own individual, successful lives independently. How do we bring this together? So, naturally, they're going to be some of those things, and sometimes they're. They will have some problems with, you know, their sexual relationships maybe, especially as a particular age, and so you know, I love to help them navigate through that through communication.
Tana Gilmore:A lot of times people just let it kind of fall by the wayside because they don't want to talk about it, right, right, and that's huge for me I specialize in tough talk so let's talk about let's, let's put it on the table. But how do we put it on the table so it will be received? And I think that that's the, that is the key component table, so it will be received. And I think that that is the key component how it will be received and how do we let's develop a plan together to move forward. Because I think, if you make it clear that you're my person, I want this to work. I am here with you. So let's figure this out together. And when they know that there's no judgment, you're here because of love and you want to kind of fix things in that regard, you know it. Just, I think it makes it more receptive when you're able to have those conversations. So that's the additional training that I have in the relationship. It's been so helpful, even just kind of helping them navigate through those things.
Tana Gilmore:And then we've had so many years, not only, you know, in my amazing business partner credential, but we've been through some things, like people come to us because we've been through some ish, like you name it, so there's not one thing that you know. Someone could come to our office and sit in front of me and say you know what. You wouldn't believe what I've been through. Oh girl, please sit down. Yes, I would Talk to me, because there's nothing that she has been through that I haven't experienced or helped someone already. So most of the time, I've already experienced it. So talk to me, let's, let's have a conversation.
Tana Gilmore:Let's get it out so we can get it over with, yeah.
Dr. Tiff:Yeah, I think that you know communication is, is gotta be, the number one thing that is going to make or break a relationship, aside from any other challenge that you might have. If you cannot communicate what you need, what you want, what you expect, what you desire, you kind of dead in the water. And so to have you there to support not only the matching process but how they can get through some of the challenges that maybe they face. Every couple faces a challenge or two.
Dr. Tiff:You know and it's how we get through it, how we communicate through it that you know we get to the other side. So I love that. So I want to ask you about success rate of couples that you've matched. But I feel like, before I can even ask, that we need to kind of define success in matchmaking, like what constitutes a successful match.
Tana Gilmore:I love this question. People ask it all the time, and so, and I always start with let me define success right, Because oh, okay, I thought it was being original.
Dr. Tiff:No.
Tana Gilmore:Yes, of course. However, if they come to us and they say you know if the goal, so we always start with what the what their goal was, just like in coaching. When you, you know, go to a therapist or you go to a coach, let's identify your goals at onset so we can know what we're working towards.
Tana Gilmore:And so if their goal is to just kind of get back out there and start actively dating again and they haven't dated in five years you know that's success to us, because now you're, at now you have the skillset. So now you actively, now you know how to dress like you're single. Now you, you know, now you know how to smile and engage in a conversation and not talk about work or your dog.
Dr. Tiff:So those types of things.
Tana Gilmore:So now you have, now you're armed with those tools and those skills and now and you're actively dating, and you're dating regularly, so that we would and then if that was the original goal, then we deem that a success. If the original goal was to be in an exclusive relationship, being taken off the market, we deem that a success. So it just depends on what the goal is.
Tana Gilmore:And so if you know their goal is to, you know, come in, and I want to be married by the end of the six month term. We can't guarantee that. There's no guarantees in any of this.
Dr. Tiff:anyway, we don't do any guarantees.
Tana Gilmore:We can't guarantee anybody's going to like you. I can't guarantee that. I can't guarantee it. But what I can do is I can put you in front of someone who's compatible and that you would enjoy the space.
Tana Gilmore:So I guess, to answer your question, the success rate it hovers around 89% and again, it depends on the goal that they came to. But we have. I mean, we just had an engagement over New Year's. We helped them pick out the ring, we helped them plan it. So we get involved in that too, and that's the fun part. You know, yeah, weddings. You know we had last year was an amazing year probably six or seven weddings over the years.
Dr. Tiff:That is fantastic, and I guess what I'm hearing you say too is like don't think that just hiring a matchmaker means they're going to do all the work and you can just sit back, pick your person and go on about your merry way. Sit back, pick your person and go on about your merry way that there still is work that you got to do in order to have a relationship. You're going to have to work on yourself in the process.
Dr. Tiff:You're going to have to be willing to change some things, accept some things, get clarity, fix the things that are broken and actively show up in a relationship in order to get whatever the achieved desired outcome might be continuously and consistently so you know I'll do the heavy lifting on the front end.
Tana Gilmore:I'm handing the baton to you and it's your responsibility to take it from there and take it from there and because you can't do it for two months and think, oh good, you know that doesn't work like that. So again, the behavior is consistent. When individuals decide that they're going to be exclusive, it's because the experience is amazing and it's consistent?
Dr. Tiff:Do you find that people, though, do walk in, thinking, okay, you're just going to match me with someone, like it's almost like it's an arranged marriage or something, like you're going to match me with someone and then we're going to go off and that's just going to be it, I don't have to do no work.
Tana Gilmore:Yeah, oh, absolutely so, yeah, and those are the when they, when they, I guess, mimic that behavior early on, they're not a good client for us because you know they're not willing to put in the work and you have to be willing to put in the work, so that means that they're not coachable. You want an easy fix and this isn't an easy fix, unfortunately, you know again, I'll do the turn people away.
Dr. Tiff:You do say I don't want you $25,000. Thank you, but no thanks.
Tana Gilmore:Yeah, there's another. Yeah, absolutely. We turned $30,000 away a couple of weeks ago because and sometimes it depends on where you are geographically, so if you're in the middle of nowhere it's going to take me more resources to be able to find someone in your local market. So I'm going, you know, we may send our recruiters or you know it's going to cost more money to be able to do that. So again, it starts at 25,000. So but we, but where this person was located and they were like, you know, the problem is everybody else. I just haven't met the right person. You know they never would. You know what was your contribution to the failed relationship?
Tana Gilmore:Nothing, it was see, you're not ready. You're not ready, so we're not going to be able to work together. You're not a good fit, you got to be able to have some insight.
Dr. Tiff:You got to be able to have some insight. Certainly, there are relationship challenges that do prove themselves to be one-sided, but we also have to look at. You know, what did I do or not do that made this a viable option, even with cheating? Um, you know, there's a. There's a wonderful book. I can't think of the author right now, but the title is after the affair. I think it's such a great book for anybody in a fair recovery and trying to get through an affair and I've utilized it a lot over the years.
Dr. Tiff:But they talk about how you do have to. Even if, in infidelity, the person who was unfaithful is obviously the one that was wrong, but as the one who was hurt by the infidelity, you do have to look at and this is a hard look because we really want to focus all of the blame, shift all the blame to the person that cheated you really do have to look at what did I do or not do that made stepping out of this relationship a good idea in the moment for this person. What did I do or not do? And when you can do that, when you can sit yourself down and answer that question. Well, perhaps I, you know, taunted them every time they came in the house. Perhaps I wasn't, you know, welcoming, or I belittled them, or I, you know, talked down to them, didn't respect them. Perhaps I, you know, never wanted to have sex. Whatever it was, it doesn't excuse the behavior that they did.
Tana Gilmore:No deception Right.
Dr. Tiff:But it does paint a picture that allows you to at least address something within you. Whether you stay in this relationship or not, you'll want to address that thing so that when you're in the next relationship you can be mindful of it and don't repeat the same thing. It's interesting when I have someone that says every relationship I've been in I've been cheated on, because that tells me more about that person than the people that have cheated.
Dr. Tiff:There's something that you continuously do or don't do. That makes the person that you choose think this is an okay way to move forward in this.
Tana Gilmore:Because, if you think about it, the other partners don't know each other. You're the common denominator.
Dr. Tiff:You're the common denominator.
Tana Gilmore:Yeah, you're the common denominator. So let's revisit and I think that when that individual can sit and self-reflect on their contribution and accept it and say you know what, were there some areas where you know I failed or were there some areas where it needed improvement? You know, and, and and now, and this next relationship, let me work. Let me work on those things so it doesn't happen again, or I can do my part to, or do my best to try to, you know, eliminate that happening again. That's a person that's really ready for a relationship and they're prepared to move forward and move on.
Dr. Tiff:But, yes, the one that says you know it's not.
Tana Gilmore:They're not a good client for us.
Dr. Tiff:That's where the rubber meets the road, like I think identifying what it is that you, what baggage you bring into relationship, is so key. But I oftentimes feel like we are put into situations as tests as well, that often you know we can tell God all the time, all day long, like I want all of these things right, or I, I'm ready for a relationship, please send me my person Right. And then you get some raggedy piece of mess and you say, oh well, this must be who God wants me to be. No, he's giving you an opportunity to understand whether you know how to decipher whether this is what you want or what you need. Yeah, for sure.
Dr. Tiff:Because I can give you what you asked for. But are you going to sit? Are you going to look at, like your past relationship mistakes? You're going to look at the way that you've moved previously and are you going to say, just because a warm body has come into my bed or in front of me, this must be what it is and it's not. He gives us opportunities to make great choices, but also the opportunity to mess up, and it's our choice. We have autonomy in making choices about how we want to move. We can learn the lesson or think that God is playing games.
Tana Gilmore:And he ain't playing no games. He ain't playing no games. He ain't playing no games. He's going to give us a chance.
Dr. Tiff:Right. Either you ready or you're not, and sometimes it's going to take saying no to the wrong person so that you have room for the right person, I always tell. This is another thing I always tell my clients is about seat fillers. If you've ever been to an award show or even looked at like when award shows are going to like commercial breaks, there are people kind of moving around in the crowd they hire in Atlanta they do it a lot too, because we end up having a lot of reward shows here they hire seat fillers and those are just people, regular people like you and I, who can make a little money going to an award show and sitting in seats so that when they do pan the audience it looks like the entire auditorium or stadium or whatever is full. But these are people that are paid to sit in the seats while, let's say, the actor is performing or a musician is performing or someone has to go up on stage and receive award. They want the audience to look full, so they put someone in that person's seat.
Dr. Tiff:And I like in a lot of our relationships we are, you know, holding seat fillers, where somebody's in the seat where the person that you've been praying for is supposed to be in. But if you keep fooling around with people that, like, are just here, wasting time until you know, until it's time to move, you'll never that person that's supposed to be with you will never be able to sit down next to you well, and that's how we know you have to be here with somebody who doesn't deserve to be in your space, because we think that because they're tall, they're attractive, they might be fun, they might be great in bed or whatever.
Dr. Tiff:You're afraid to have an empty seat. You don't want to be alone and it's like you have to risk it. You've got to risk it If you believe that there is that person out there for you. You've got to be able to risk being alone so that the person that's supposed to be with you can find their way to you.
Tana Gilmore:Absolutely.
Dr. Tiff:It could be just walking by repeatedly and see that you're with somebody. Somebody's sitting in the seat. Oh, she must be she or he must be taken. I'm just gonna keep walking along. I'll circle back in a little while, but I'll see if anybody's in that seat.
Tana Gilmore:Yeah, get them out, get them out, make room, you know, and get a match. Make space for the right one, you know so great.
Dr. Tiff:Yep, absolutely well, tana, I can't thank you enough for being here, for educating me, for educating my audience on all things matchmaking. Um, this has been so enlightening, so educational and so fun. Uh, you guys, if you want to learn more about tana, you can follow her on Instagram at Tana C Gilmore, or you can follow at the Matchmaking Duo over on Instagram and re-watch, re-watch season one of Love Match Atlanta. I believe that's on Peacock right.
Tana Gilmore:It is on Peacock, it's on Peacock.
Dr. Tiff:Fantastic.
Tana Gilmore:Sure. Thank you, I love that.
Dr. Tiff:Yes, please go re-watch it and just learn all you can. And if matchmaking is right for you, which I think it probably is for many folks, I hope that you will reach out to Tana and the matchmaking duo, give them a call, ask questions and get on the books, because I feel like 2024 is a year for love on the books, because I feel like 2024 is a year for love, and I feel like so many more people now that they know that this is a viable option and that there are folks of color helping with these matches that can, you know, navigate through any kind of cultural barriers that maybe they've experienced before in their dating journey. I think this is huge. So thank you so much, tana, for being here.
Tana Gilmore:So much for having me. It's been a pleasure.
Dr. Tiff:It has been fantastic. Thank you, guys. Don't forget to like, comment, share and subscribe Intimate Details with Dr Tiff. We're available on all of your podcasting platforms. And don't forget oh my gosh, do not forget to watch your episodes on YouTube. I painstakingly not so painstakingly, but I go every week and I post these interviews on YouTube so that you can actually watch the interview.
Dr. Tiff:So, if you just listen to this podcast, yes, you heard Tana's beautiful voice, but now I want you to go see those shoulders, honey, because she left them out for you. They are properly bronzed and glistening. She looks amazing. I got on a frumpy sweater, but we're not going to talk about that. We're just going to talk about beautiful Tana. Okay, go over to YouTube so you can watch this beautiful woman and listen to her at the same time. Maybe you're cleaning your house, maybe you're, you know, in your theater and you just want some beautiful Black women on your TV. You got it. Go over to YouTube and watch all the episodes of the podcast, because they're all there. Thank you so much for tuning in today and until next week, ciao. Oh, one more thing, tana, I'm going to put all of your information in the show notes. So, guys, as you're looking for more information about Tana, what she's doing, what she's up to, how you can connect with her. All that information will be in the show notes. Okay, now, that's it. Bye.
Tana Gilmore:Ciao, thank you.
