Intimate Details with Dr. Tiff
A safe space for intimate conversations with some of the most dynamic and magnetic people you'll ever want to meet, Intimate Details with Dr. Tiff is like sitting down with your favorite bougie auntie, bestie, therapist. So grab yourself a drink and a nosh, pull up a chair and lean all the way in. We're going deep and it promises to be one helluva ride.
Hosted by: Dr. Tiffanie Davis Henry
Produced & Edited by: Rideia Wilson
Intimate Details with Dr. Tiff
Fortifying Marriages with Fortune 500 Finesse feat. Bonika Wilson
Ever wondered how marriage can thrive using Fortune 500 strategies? Bonika Wilson, a dynamo in the world of diversity, equity, and inclusion, joins us to unravel her evolution into a marriage enhancement advocate and shares the wealth of knowledge in her book, "Marriage Business: From Proposals to Prosperity – Building Your Dynasties the Fortune 500 Way." Buckle up for a session brimming with wisdom on how to craft a robust marital plan that mirrors the meticulous strategy of a business plan, complete with communication techniques, shared values, and goal-setting exercises that promise to transform your relationship.
Our conversation reflects on the challenges couples face, from relinquishing control to fostering intimacy through shared experiences. Bonika's effervescent spirit punctuates our discussion, leaving you with a sense of camaraderie and an eagerness to apply these strategies in your own relationship. Whether you're navigating the early stages of marital bliss or steering through the complexities of a seasoned partnership, this episode is your guide to building a legacy of love, one well-planned step at a time.
For more on our guest, Bonika Wilson, follow her @thebusinesswithb on Instagram/YouTube/TikTok, or visit her website, www.bonikawilson.com. Click here to purchase her book Marriage Business or copy/paste the following link into your web browser: https://amzn.to/3HZexHz
About Our Host:
Intimate Details with Dr. Tiff is hosted by Dr. Tiffanie Davis Henry and produced by Rideia Wilson. Follow Dr. Tiff at @DrTiffanieTV on Instagram.
For media inquiries, feel free to email at hello@drtiffanietv.com. If you're interested in supporting the podcast through sponsorship or wish to book your client to be featured on our program, email us at intimatedetailspod@gmail.com
All interviews are available for viewing on YouTube. Click the link below or tap HERE to WATCH EACH EPISODE! https://www.youtube.com/@DrTiffanieTV/podcasts
To say that my guest today is a change agent is a bit of an understatement, but she is. She's worked for years leading her own company, building strategies for stakeholder engagement and leading various industries in the area of diversity, equity and inclusion. Now she's on a mission to be a change agent in marriages with her new book Marriage Business from Proposals for Prosperity Building your Dynasties the Fortune 500 Way. Please welcome my dear friend Benika Wilson to interview details with Dr Tiff.
Speaker 2:I'm so, so excited to be here with my friend, who is a celebrity.
Speaker 1:Thanks. The legend, the legend, Benika Wilson. Listen. Benika has been on TV more times than I have in 2024. I want you to know she has been traveling the globe promoting marriage business. I'm so excited to be your friend.
Speaker 2:I'm glad you said that today because it's only what, the 15th or 16th day of the month, and you know you've been, you know you don't start, come off the gate. You, you know, you rest for new years and then you, you know. So I can only say that today, because after that you know be back in business. You're going to be like, okay, now my, my vacation is over, so thank you for seeing that.
Speaker 1:Listen, vacation is never over. I think we, we, we always need to be on holiday. I believe you know that's I'm on a mission to remain on holiday as long as I can. But no, you have been doing the work. I've been seeing you on the circuits here in Atlanta, locally and beyond, on 11 alive, on I heart radio, on all the things, and I could not be more proud of you for doing.
Speaker 1:you've been working on this book for a while, for a long, 28,000 years, wow Like yeah, I remember when it was just an idea and you were like I really have this idea and we're going to get into all of that and I just wanted, like Benika and I go, go back. I won't say way, way back, but back far enough. I will tell the story later of how you try to kill me. But then we became friends and you know, thanks Giveings have never been our karaoke nights at Thanksgiving.
Speaker 2:First of all, thanksgiving without you is no Thanksgiving at all in our house. Now, just so you know, without you and Jason's karaoke.
Speaker 1:It was weird. Y'all bad. It was weird this year. So this was no when we did Benika on the mic wrapping to rappers delight honey is something else or self destruction.
Speaker 2:There you go. She knows everything, like I listen.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, yes, honey, of course, of course, regalia. Yes, no, you know we did. This was the first year in probably what like three or four years that we haven't done Thanksgiving together, thanksgiving night, thanksgiving night. So but and it was weird, it was weird for us to. We spent it and I'm thankful we were able to spend it with Jason's family this year. They came here to Atlanta so we weren't able to come to Charlotte, but it was so different because we were just so used to coming to Charlotte, spending the day with my family and then spending the night Right.
Speaker 2:I'm hoping Jason's family gets their fix, because they're not going to get to. I'm not giving you one for at least another three years.
Speaker 1:We got to bring it back this year. We got to bring it back in 2024 for sure. So I'm excited to have you here because, as my listeners know, we've been focusing really, really heavily this season on two pillars relationship enhancement and intentional self care, and you are coming in hot with a relationship enhancement today, and I love that, because from time to time, we all need to take a good look at our relationships, and that's what marriage business is about. You know doing the work.
Speaker 2:You know, in the book I start off with doing the work. So somebody told me actually my line sister says we read chapter one and I thought, okay, you're going to kind of like work your way into it. He was like chapter one was hot and heavy. He is like we are. You came in smoking like we weren't ready for that. I was like really, you know that's a little bad. When he was like no, I mean like I appreciate the work, but he was like I thought you would ease into it, but you came in hot and heavy. You was already having discussions from the very beginning about, you know, our marriage, like taking a turn and like being really serious about and focused and intentional to your point, intentional on winning in this thing. This is all about winning. I'm a winner. This is all about yeah. So it's all about when it's hot and heavy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you don't complain any games. And it's interesting because, to be clear, your background is in business. I put on my. This is the first time I want you to know that I've worn a blazer. I've worn a blazer for intimate details with Dr Tiff. I wanted to come business minded for our interview today. Like, your background is in business, but saving marriages has become something that you're not only passionate about but you feel purposed to do. This is part of your purpose. Now, how do we get here? Because I've, like I said, I've known you for years and I've known you as this powerhouse business person. You know leading your team, strategic design, all of the things, and then something changed. So how do we get to the part where you really felt the need, the need to focus on? Yeah, great question.
Speaker 2:And it's actually two folks, so one is to your point. I've been leading teams for over 20 years or helping organizations with strategy for over 20 years and leading them from a strategic plan. Whenever there was a gap in a business with why they're not winning, what is the path we're on or how did we get off the right path? You know we go back to the strategic plan. Let's start with the business plan. What's the foundation of this business? And so I thought, wow, that could be great in marriage.
Speaker 2:The other thing is that in doing the work that I was doing with strategic planning and then in the last five years or so really solely focused on equity, the equity work in the city of Atlanta. You know, as the equity officer, you know what I saw is a lot of gaps in our community and we're trying to solve for gaps in our community when it's at the tip of the iceberg. And you can't solve for broken communities and broken people trying to save businesses or relationships or communities when it's at the tip of the iceberg. You have to start at the foundation and I realized by the time that we see them in a community, patterns and habits are already formed. We got to start at the foundation and how you heal for that, how you heal broken communities and broken people as you start with healthy homes. You got to start in the home, you can't start in the community, and I realized that. And so for two reasons.
Speaker 2:Those two reasons the fact that I saw strategic planning and business planning, working with businesses that when they were broken or confused or off path, getting them back to the foundation, and seeing also people right broken, not just businesses but communities broken off path, like how do you get, how do you software that? Well, we got to start with a strong foundation, we got to go to a plan and we don't have that. So for me it was twofold and saying you know what? I got to start with healthy relationships in the home so we can have healthy children, healthy people coming into the community. We have better chances, better odds of solving for that and we can get some foundational things, some poor things fixed. And so that was really the. The emphasis of the book really was like, okay, let's, let's look for healthy, let's start for healthy relationships. And we're going to do that by trying to solve for healthy relationships and marriages first and primary.
Speaker 1:It feels like you know this is super important to you and it all also feels like deeply personal, Like you, like this is really tugging at your heart. It is, it is and.
Speaker 2:I will tell you why. So I came from a broken home. My mom and dad did not remain married and I saw a lot of dysfunction, quite frankly, and I realized you know for me how to solve that, you know to solve the dysfunction, and I felt I had to start at the foundation to, quite frankly, what happens, I think, in relationships is you take good or bad, what's normal for you, what's safe, what you've seen Like. So I have a map, I have a blueprint. That was not a functional blueprint, it was very dysfunctional, highly dysfunctional. My mom did not communicate well, my dad did not communicate well. What did I do? Cause I saw those parents I didn't communicate well in my own mirror. I'm like, oh, was my mom slam the door? I'm gonna slam the door when I'm not in the talk, you know, and like that wasn't healthy, that ain't work for her.
Speaker 1:Obviously, she got a divorce, so.
Speaker 2:but I thought in my mirror like that was gonna work Right.
Speaker 1:It was what.
Speaker 2:I automatically went to what.
Speaker 1:I do.
Speaker 2:And I'm like I'm going to create these same habits for my children if I don't learn how to fix that. So I have to fix this dysfunction and create a healthy blueprint, a healthy roadmap for my own children. So for me, I think what you're here into is this whole idea of it's bigger than me, Like it's bigger than me, it's bigger than, and it became about my children. My boys want to create a healthy blueprint for them. But then, after the you know, long, long journey of writing the book, it was so much bigger than even my boys.
Speaker 2:It was like I'm trying to heal health communities here. I'm trying to create healthy communities and the work that I'm doing, and this is bigger than me or my family. It's about having a healthy community and at the end of the day, when I'm gone, has my work been done? Have I made a difference? You know, have I made an impact? An impact is one of my core values in our mayors having an impact and so this book is really about impact and that's probably why you hear all that passion, because it's bigger than my husband and I, is bigger than our children now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's funny because I talk about the same thing too with individuals that I work with. Sometimes we grow up in situations that we don't like, that, don't feel great. We might grow up watching our parents fight, whether that's just verbally or physically or whatever, and we see dysfunction. And because that's what we see like kids, we know this. We know this is parents Don't always listen to what they say. They're looking and they're looking for how you model certain behaviors.
Speaker 1:If you tell your, if your parents say that they love each other but love looks different than what we think it should.
Speaker 1:You know they understand the concept of love, but the action of love, how it's supposed to look, is a little skewed because of what they've seen.
Speaker 1:And so they go into relationship as adults, kind of acting out what they know to be true, even if it doesn't feel right, even if it feels sticky, even if they grew up saying I will never treat my husband or wife that way. They don't have a model, they may not have a model for how to do it the right way, and so they rely on what they actually do, know, what they have seen. And so I hear that. I hear that in what you're saying and recognizing that this might be what I know, but I got to learn what I don't know, because what I know ain't working out for me, and if it's not working out for you, it may not work out for your children and their spouses, and I think for a lot of us. That has to be the turning point. What do I want for my kids? How do I want them to view value, think about love, what it should look like and what marriage should look like for them, and whatever that is, whatever that should is I have to be able to create that.
Speaker 2:Bingo, Bingo. That part, that part. Which is why, quite frankly, so the book, chapter one. Going back to chapter one, actually it starts off with this we talk about this canvas exercise, and canvas exercise is a vision exercise for both spouses. The husband has to create.
Speaker 2:What do you see as the ideal husband for your daughter, Not even for your wife. For your daughter, what would you want, even if you don't have a daughter? What would you want? So I would say, Jason, what would you want for Skye? What would an ideal husband look like? And you have to draw it out in the right words about the characteristics, about their heart, their head, their hands. How do their hands do? Where do their feet walk? Where do they work in the community? How do they show up for their family, for their community? How do they represent their family when they're out of the home? All of those things we ask deep questions about. Specifically. We don't want the surface stuff of how you want a husband to look, but we want deep. When you want, it's okay for Skye, for your baby. And then, Tiff, if you were to have a son, what would be an acceptable, amazing woman? Not just acceptable, but, because that's part of you know, your baby, that is not. You don't want that.
Speaker 1:So what does that look like, Right?
Speaker 2:right and I know how.
Speaker 1:mama far with their boys.
Speaker 2:So in that exercise you're doing all this, you're saying all this, you're drawing a picture. You're not a great drawer like me. You do a stick figure and you write a lot of words, but you like really think about that, and what people with a bigger does not know is that you know I later on we talk about oh well, that's wonderful that you created that for your daughter and your son. That's who you have to become, because you know I can tell you this as a counselor and you with your clients. Oftentimes you hear people getting caught up on. Well, he didn't do this. You know he didn't do this part. He is not doing this, but you want me to do it yet, because I'm not talking about what he's doing.
Speaker 2:What I'm talking about is how you're showing up. Right, you know how you're showing up for your son to see what he wants, and the wife because he's going to gravitate to what's normal for him. So you got to show up that way. This ain't even about, really, your husband. It's about how you got to show up for who you want for your kids, for what you want them to gravitate to, because that'll be their norm. And so oftentimes throughout the book, I'll say it's not about them. This is about what you your canvas, because that's your blueprint. That's what you're trying to become. It don't matter what they did and what they did and how they showed up. What you said is that you want this, so that's how you got to show up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you say one of the things that you say that I really love and it really does showcase the parallel in business and marriage. I'm going to read this quote Successful businesses have business plans, successful teams have game plans, successful buildings have four plans, successful strategies have strategic plans and successful marriages should have a marital plan. You talk a lot about the plan. What is the plan and where? Where? Where can I get one? Where can I get a plan, honey? Cause they don't give you this in premarital counseling. Okay, they're not get. They ain't handing this out. The minister ain't handing this out when he asked folks to stand up if they object. Okay. So I need, we need the plan, we need the roadmap. How are we getting?
Speaker 2:this plan. Yes, I love that, and that's really what this was about. I'm going to tell you. So. I read a thousand million marriage books before I wrote this book and I realized, you know, when people at the wedding toast to you and they say, keep God first in your marriage team, and then I was like, well, what does keep God first mean? When I want to choke somebody Like what, what? How does that? One is keep God versus what. What do I do Like I need this? I'm a one of those people. I'm like what's that? One, step two. Then you do this step three. If that don't work, you need to do this and wait a minute.
Speaker 1:Wait a minute, though. You need one, then one a, one, one C.
Speaker 2:What does?
Speaker 1:that look like, and so for me it was.
Speaker 2:I was on a mission, for what does keep God work look like? Show me the application and keep God first, cause you know that sounds wonderful. But and so the book which is great is each chapter is a competency, it's a core value of business concept and we talk about the concept and introduce the concept. We use a celebrity couple to show kind of the action Like this is them, kind of, this is mission and action. So cause I know adult learners, we are kinesthetic, we like to touch, feel, we, like some of us are visionary, some of us are auditory, can read something and get it. Some people have to see it. So I like to do a story, the celebrity story, my story, I share my story. And then you got, then you got working sessions, you doing your work, you are doing the work yourself, you and your spouse, and at the end of the day you come up with your action plan. After you complete the book you will have an action plan. So we walk through the pretty much five basic core values or business practices in this book. Is first, effective, consistent and honest, transparent communication. So effective, consistent communication, that's one. Then it's you know, kind of your core values, what's your values and mission, then it's now. We know our mission, we know our values. What's our goals and objectives on a daily? Now let's put this big picture, vision, mission into paper. Like what does that look like daily on an execution? Objectives and goals. So that's the third thing. The fourth thing is accountability. So in businesses, there's some measurement there. Are you meeting the goals? If you're not, let's talk about what consequences look like. Let's talk about oh great, you got an incentive package because you know you overperform. You're you getting a bonus? Good job. So there's some accountability and measurement.
Speaker 2:Also in our marriage. That's four. And five is consistent time, investment of time. Investment of consistent time, like I don't want to you, you like this when we in our day, like that's not time, like I guess not. Consistent investment of time, like you, you doing something else, like so, we're on a date, or we're investing our time in our marriage. I don't know what business works without somebody coming to work and showing up every day. And it's the same thing. Our marriage, like you think that you're going to have great results but you don't show up. You don't show up, that's not effective, that's not time. So it's those five things. So again, it's, you know it's, it's having the communication, effective communication. It's core values and mission. It's goals and objectives If performance, accountability. And then time, the investment of time. You got to have the time and do the work so that you can see that yeah.
Speaker 1:I got to think about this too because, like you're saying, this is, we're applying principles that work in business to our relationships. But, as in and you just said something really important that there are oftentimes in jobs where people, you know, want the benefit of the job I eat the paycheck, the reward, right, but they want to come in and do the bare minimum. How many times have we heard someone say I just want to get my check and go home. I just want to come in, do my work and go home. I don't want to socialize with these people. I ain't trying to make no friends. I don't ask me to come to the potluck, I ain't doing nothing extra. But what's on my job description? I'm going to get my check every two weeks. Make sure I get my benefits and my vacation time because I'm clocking out. You are, you, are you are.
Speaker 2:You are going to be about your vacation. If you be about your vacation.
Speaker 1:No, I am. I am, I belong on the boat. Now, listen, I'm going to get my PTO too. So when I need to, when I need a break, I need a break.
Speaker 1:And some people do walk into their romantic relationships, their partnerships, like that, and that has to be part of our downfall, that we don't want to do anything extra. We just want to show up as we are, do the bare minimum, what's required, what we absolutely have to do, not anything more. And we also want to check out when we want to check out and not be held accountable for what happens while we've checked out In relationship. We have to hold ourselves to that standard. How do we promote ourselves at a job? Doing the, doing only this much? We can't grow further in our jobs, we can't grow further in our relationships without having that strategic type plan in place and without doing those steps. So I get it. I get it. I'm trying to think about too, like what? What is something? Let me ask you this what is a strategy or a specific business principle, something that you see working really well in business that, if we place it into a relationship, could really work well for us? Does anything come up?
Speaker 2:you know I kind of talked a little bit about the accountability piece and in the book we don't call it accountability, we call it amounts, ability. Because I think accountability sounds like I'm keeping score, I'm keeping record, I'm keeping account and we don't want to feel judged in our relationship. We've got to be judged everywhere else. We don't want to come home with no more judgment. But we talk about amountability sessions. We have a kind of said accountability sessions, amountability sessions. He's my amountability partner, because amount is the sum of right, the sum of two people, the sum of something together and then mount. If you think about mounting something, it's putting something up, it's holding something together, mounting something right, and so it's stronger because it's mounted, and so we're stronger because we're mounted together. So I like amountability because it's the sum of two partners holding things together, keeping things together and making things stronger. And so I think the biggest piece for me is the amountability piece. I talk about marriage as your most important resource if you leverage it that way, so if you can leverage your relationship, like for me, my husband and I. We did not always do this, we were not always successful with this, okay, but what we are now is that like I'm your, I'm. I got your back. You going to win, like there is no doubt about that. There's, there's no option. But when he and we, we approach our relationship that way, but it's so that we can approach every other thing that way, so we can approach our, our, our parental relationship that way. His career, my career that way, everything else we do is stronger because we use our marriage as a resource. So I'm not making a decision, I'm calling him throughout the day. Hey, let me run this by. You got two minutes. He's the same way. Look, this is what's going on. I got to do this. This is the way I'm thinking. What do you think? Hey, you know, we hold a amountability.
Speaker 2:At the beginning of the year, we do our vision boards and then we talk about three personal goals and three professional goals. So we need to meet this year. So it could be. I want to be, you know, have a one-on-ones trip with my child this year, with just Dylan, because he's getting older. I want to do this. You know, in my career, these are my three per person professional goals. I want to do this, this and this. We put that on the big board and we talk about okay, but in the quarter one, you need to be here by. In the quarter two, you need to be here, but and we walk through that together.
Speaker 1:So, and then we and we meet monthly, okay, where?
Speaker 2:are you with that? You can you follow me a little behind on that? He is my partner in everything right and so he is my resource. He's gonna help me make sure I'm meeting these personal and professional goals and I'm gonna make sure that he's meeting here's week I talk about in the book. Either you're a helpmate or your dad. Wait, either I'm dragging you along with my blackie baggage trying to get you on board, or I'm inspiring you and lifting you up, I'm helping you take flight. So I'm either your help me or I'm your. I'm your dad.
Speaker 2:Wait, if you use your marriage tip as the most important resource, every other thing falls in place, because there is no losing, and not just your marriage, but in everything, because you, I'm your. I got your back, you, you calling me throughout the day like what's going on? Like what? How do I help to make this happen? This, this, this through a wrench in my plan for the day, my agenda, I'm gonna need you to do X, y, z, like we're partners and we really approach everything that way.
Speaker 2:And we haven't always done that. What? Which is why I know this works. Now we have consistently living this strategy yeah, our strategic marital plan. We have been just consistently doing it for about five or six years now and we've been consistently winning. Prior to that it was like I felt like I got this, I got this obstacle, I got to figure this thing out, and now I have to figure it out alone, like I got my business partner, yeah, to help me work this thing out and think about it, and it's just been a blessing, it's been a game changer for our marriage for sure.
Speaker 1:I want you to tell me from a business perspective not really from a marriage business perspective, right how we go about overcoming these obstacles and marriage and these are just things that I'm like couples typically with face.
Speaker 1:So let's say it's a financial issue. Let's say one partner is, maybe they're not together I won't even say one is spending and one is saving, but let's say they're not together on their finances. Maybe they one partner has an account, they have another account, they have separate monies that this one partner a pays all of their individual bills and then partner B pays individual bills and they don't really talk or communicate very well about money such as. You know, when partner a wants to buy something, partner a may feel like, well, if I don't have it in my account, then I must not be able to get it because I don't have access to partner B's money and you know I don't really want to go there, right? So how do we tackle that particular issue? If it feels like an issue to the couple, how would you recommend they apply? What types of business principles would you recommend they apply to work through the financial?
Speaker 2:so, first of all, we talk about core values and having equal alignment, and so in the book you do a SWAT analysis. You talk about strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats. This may come up spending habits spending habits when you're doing your SWAT yeah, because we talk about like what thing? If you don't get fixed, it could be detrimental to the relationship.
Speaker 2:This, what might be one of those things money money is always one of those early on, and we also talk about having core values that align, and so one of the things that we hope to have is that we have this alignment of you know what, or what's a dynamic we talk about also in the book legacy and dynasty, like, legacy is being able to build assets and have assets to transfer over to your children, to your airs. Dynasty is bigger than money, bigger than a transfer of wealth. It's about transferring culture and you know norms and values and you know how we make decisions in our family and this is how we do Thanksgiving dinners and it's all of those things that are you know. You can't like just transfer money. It's like how we do business in our company, how we show up. This is our brand. It's like, kind of like when you think about the Rockefellers, you know that that's the dynasty right.
Speaker 2:And so for me, going back to this, right back to your financial question, it's having those conversations about hey, what are we trying to be able to leave behind? First of all, you know, and our like, are we trying to leave a legacy, are we trying to leave something bigger than than that? Is it more than just financial?
Speaker 2:you know, comfort that we want to leave our children, or is there you know bigger things that we want to be able to leave them? Buildings and dynasties and all this other stuff, right? So talking about that, so you talk about those things. Early one actually in the book you talk about, like, what is it that our real goal is? Our end goal is so that you can try to have that alignment. So if you already are in marriage and you don't have that alignment, you have a spender and a saver and you're on two different paths. The the conversations in the book tries to push conversations about what are we trying to accomplish? What's our end game? Right? And if it's, we can see value. And yeah, there is some value in being able to leave a big transfer pot of wealth to our children, or a dynasty, if you will. Then let's start talking about how we, with what our financial decisions, need to look like to to be able to get to that.
Speaker 2:It may be the one partner say I don't care about leaving financial things, I want to leave other things, these, you know, kind of mignects, that lack of better words. I want to leave, kind of. You know, my family blanket and my family. You know we have a crest, a family crest, that's important to leave right. So it's having those discussions.
Speaker 2:But in the book it pushes you to have those discussions to see if they you can find alignment. And then if you find, when you, as you find that alignment, you will find alignment and it's okay. We know that we want to get there. This is what we're gonna have to do and let's have a disciplined routine around it and you come up with, actually in the book, a financial plan, a budget, and you stick to that budget and you know it may be we're on this budget for two or three years until we accomplish X and then, hey, babe, you can get all of those other extra miscellaneous things.
Speaker 2:But it's having those conversations one first about what is our values and what is our impact and is this really important to us? And if it is, then we got to start having some disciplines around it and we went through all of that like for us it was a very, you know, tough time. I talk about in the book. We even planted for our wedding like we were sharing two-piece KFC meals and we were on a strong, strong budget like and thank you Jesus we there, no more, but we had.
Speaker 2:I mean tight tight and I get the leg and you get the. Can we split the biscuit, like? I mean, we were tight and so, yeah, you gotta say but but you did have the conversations early on about what are we trying to leave.
Speaker 2:Because I think I'm first-generation educated in my family. I knew education was important. I knew I wanted to be able to not have my kids be able to. You know I don't my kid, I'll never have to, you know, work to pay for college. Thank you, jesus.
Speaker 2:But that took a lot of discipline up front and we were, we were true to that. You know like we don't want this for our kids. So what does that look like? That looks like some tough, some tough nights, some nights with you know, when you get that leg and you, you act like cool. You don't have to thank you, jesus, go through that.
Speaker 2:But it took us being very disciplined in the beginning, and so the book does force you to have those strong, tough conversations. About what is it big picture that we want to accomplish? Because, at the end of the day, the other big thing about this book, tiff, is that it's constantly pushing your relationship as a dynasty, as something bigger than you and Jason, something bigger than Dante and I. It is about what we leave after we're gone, and so we're constantly pushing that, which I think helps you approach your marriage as a business, because it helps us take out the emotional piece and really focus on a logical, analytical strategy to our relationship. And we still do it.
Speaker 2:You know, having a lot of love infused in our marriage and emotion at times, but for the most part we're like look we, this is it, this is a business. Look we, you know, like, take some of this emotion out. It helps us even with our kids. Oh, I got to talk about this real quick. Also in the book we have, you know, I talked about us having this monthly means we also have weekly family means we're bringing the kids. Yeah, because this is a business and these is. You know, we won't call them our employees, but we call them, you know, they like middle man, they ain't.
Speaker 2:Executive chair they little man but we want to bring y'all into the conversation, so we listen, baylor got to be in the mayor room.
Speaker 1:Honey, I don't know if he middle managed me. Yes, although he probably does run everything in that house.
Speaker 2:He's like look at what I need you to do, baylor girl, he got, he has an office in the house. He. He says he can tell me the other day, the pantry, you know the off, the pantry by the case off. He says you, you have your boxes in my office.
Speaker 1:I know that's right, get him out, get him out.
Speaker 2:Office because this is my office, so he has an office in my house, by the way. But we do have family meetings once a week On Sundays, usually after church or after we have dinner, and we talk about every week one person out. The family has to bring a opportunity to solve something to solve for we, instead of calling it a challenge or a problem, we say it's an opportunity. It could be me I had to deal with a complex client this week. Tell me how I deal with that. Or we're dealing with layoffs at work and I'm really stressed about how this is affecting me and impacting me that we were re-organizing at our company. What does that look like? Help me think about how I can still have empathy for those people and do the right thing for the company. So that might be something that you're my husband bring Dylan.
Speaker 2:We had a kid at school dealing with bullying and I wanted to talk to the kid and the bully and really see if there was a way that I can insert myself to help out. How does that look? So every week, one person has to bring something to the table. What we're trying to teach our kids is even Baylor what happened. You can tell Yoshu. Let's talk about how.
Speaker 1:Mommy had her stuff Amazon packages in your office. How are you going to deal with that? You need to have a talk with Mommy now.
Speaker 2:It's helping them make decisions without the emotion, like let's think about logically and analytically how we make decisions, because the truth of the matter is we want them to be good leaders and good leaders have to know how to make good, tough decisions. So we want to bring them in and we have transparency, like letting them know that we, even as adults, need counsel, we need support in how we make decisions and we want them to feel very much a value add to our lives as well. But it's really helping them make decisions. And that's important because you see now kids on TV every day making emotional decisions, life-changing decisions, because they had a bad day and it's like no, we got to teach these kids how to make very logical, take some of that emotion out.
Speaker 2:And so because we don't want you going to school because you had a bad day, we got to think about how we work through some of those things, and so, even in that it's practicing and teaching our kids how to move some emotion off the table and make really good, concrete, logical, analytical decisions, and which we think helps them become better leaders, better humans Better humans too, you know.
Speaker 1:Let me talk about work-life balance. So let's say we have a couple where one person is like really trying to achieve some professional goals or doesn't balance their workload very well, maybe brings work home or is not as involved as the other partner might like for them to be. What types of business strategies do we put in place to kind of maybe help them see each other's perspective, but also to balance that out a little bit better? Absolutely. So one of the things you do is use a time management system.
Speaker 2:We like to use time management systems. Your marriage is important, your relationship is important and you got to balance that. Now it's your job and you got to balance that, and so oftentimes even for us there's good times where I'm like you know what.
Speaker 2:This is our miss week for my husband At work. We're not going to see much of him this week because you need to focus on Hermes and going back to the dynasty. We have all poured into the fact and bought into the fact that we have some goals here, so that might require you to be tapped out this week and we get that right. There's going to be some times where you're not going to be able to tap out. Dylan got a game tonight, a basketball game. Dante's going to be at that basketball game, right, so it's like, but that's a step.
Speaker 2:We use time management systems. We talked about a mile ability and our family meaning. I failed to mention this. We go through our schedule for the week too. So, dylan, what's your schedule? I got a basketball game on Tuesday. Friday we got an away game. It's at this time, ok, so we all walk it through each other's schedule before we get to that.
Speaker 2:Well, the thing that we're solving for the week, but that helps us also hold accountable. Ok, I'm going to be able to make this game, but Friday I might not be able to make that game, but I'm going to be able to spend some time with you on Saturday. I'm going to be able to spend some time with you on Saturday because of it, right? So there is a time management system and a going back to the amountability piece. Like we hold each other accountable too, like there's some give and take, and so knowing the big picture, tiff, I think is really what's important, like knowing where we're trying to get to as a family. This is the dynasty that we're building, and it may require you to be checked out and more involved and working more intentional on work these two, three weeks out the month, right, and so we can embrace for that.
Speaker 2:In this moment we can embrace for that. Not always, Because we all know what the big picture is and we all focus on helping us all of us accomplish the big picture. And so we get that. But that is. That goes back to what I talked about earlier effective, healthy communication. Like, let's communicate that. Like, if you say I'm going to need to be tapped out for this week and I'm bought into that, ok, but you're going to make it up on the back end, right? You know we're going to have some time, right?
Speaker 1:You're not going to be tapped out next week too. So there we go, helping each other a mountable yeah, yeah. And I think that if we think about that from a work perspective, it's like you know, I joke and talk about vacation time quite a bit, but if you are, if you do have to be out on vacation, someone else has to do your work while you're gone. A lot of times it just doesn't. The business doesn't stop because you're on vacation.
Speaker 1:The business is continuing to thrive and grow and do all of the things that it needs to do, but when you come back, you have to. You got to get yourself back in there. You can't just, oh, I'm back from vacation, but my mind and body still want to be on vacation, so I ain't going to check all the way back in. For another week. No people have been covering for you. Your spouse might have been covering for you. Your kids might have been excusing or giving the grace that they needed, because they understood that you were on assignment somewhere else or you needed to be out. But now that you're back in, we need you all the way back in because someone else might need.
Speaker 2:That is absolutely right and we do that a lot. You know I talk about that in the book too. You know, first of all, you know, I got to hold some weight for you when you need, when you need to be out, and you're going to hold some weight for me. It's going to be my first, but I talk about, you know, successful couples think that you know, because we're successful. I see this a lot.
Speaker 2:This book is really good for people who are very, very successful, because what happens with successful couples is they think, oh, this marriage thing is one other thing that I can do successfully and we kind of like let it. You know, I used to be on Melinda Gays actually, as an example for this. Because you have a successful company, you have a successful nonprofit, you know, you have successful children, you've raised them well, you've done a lot of things successfully, but then we've lost our marriage, you know. And so we think that you know, because we're so great and so successful at things that we can just do. This is one other thing that we can manage successfully and, quite frankly, it's not unless you put in the same work, you know, the same focus.
Speaker 2:You did run an ex-microsoft, run the Bill and Melinda Gays Foundation, being great parents.
Speaker 2:You know, somebody was, you know, maybe the lead in that and somebody maybe took the backseat sometimes, but you figured out that too.
Speaker 2:And then we lost here, we lost it and what you know. It's kind of like that Bible verse what senses it made for a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul, you know, and what, what, what senses it made for us to gain all of this wealth and success in our career and we lose our family, you know. And so that's really what this book is about Like being intentional about everything else that you're great at, like you're, you know, and being intentional about your marriage as well, like not missing that one thing, because, again, if we can be successful with this, the other stuff we can be successful with, because you got a partner that's like you're going to do good at work, because I'm going to make sure I got your back at home, I'm watching these dishes, I'm cooking this food, I'm going to this game, you go ahead and stay at work late tonight, you know, you got that somebody holding you down, like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I feel like that's the part. I feel like that's the part that many folks are missing. They don't feel like they have the person that is kind of the yin to their yang.
Speaker 1:That is, when I'm down, like I hear this from a lot, of, a lot of people, and especially, I'll say, women, especially where they feel like they have to take on the world, like I can't be down, I can't be sick, I can't check out, I can't not call, I can't call in, I can't, you know, not do things. I have to be the one that fixes the lunch. I have to be the one that fixes dinner. I have to take the kid to school. I got to be able to pick him up. I have to make it to the game with and not having the partner, because we, as women, we got, we got work to do, right and turning those things off and dialing it back. But we also need partners that jump in and say babe, I need to do this, we can do this together. Or why don't you take a break and let me do this, let me take over, I got it.
Speaker 1:And I'm guilty of that too. Jason sometimes has to sit me down and he gets frustrated with me when I'm like no, I got it, I got it, I got it. And he's just like when are you like sit down? And when he does that, when he does the whole, like let me do it, and he takes a deep breath and looks at me and I'm like, ok, fine, I'll let it go, but it is a muscle that we really do have to exercise to allow our partners to be our partners, right, and so it's really a challenge.
Speaker 2:It's a mindset shift. It's a mindset shift. It's not a natural thing. To your point, you do have to exercise that muscle. We yeah, to your point, we, as women, we don't think about it like that at all. They think about it a little bit more. It's more easy for them to be like I'll just take this and take this, and take this and take this too. For us it's a little bit more difficult to let go.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it's interesting the more I think about it, Vanika, I feel like for women especially like we tend to work in isolation a lot, not just with our families but we are the type of people. We are the type of humans that consistently are just like oh, I see, this needs to be done, I'm going to go do it. We don't necessarily like if we have a girlfriend or a guy friend or whomever wants to jump in and help out, fine, but when we see a need, especially within our families, we jump to it. Something falls on the floor, we make a mess, we go ahead and clean it up. Since then, waiting?
Speaker 1:on somebody else to do it, we've got to do it. And in a marriage, in a partnership, in a relationship, in a business, we have to look at the business of the family and the business of the marriage as a community activity, in that everyone has the same responsibility for this thing to work out and to succeed. So my last one, my last thing I want to throw at you is sex, specifically.
Speaker 1:I'm a sex therapist, right. So if I know? But I'm asking you, I ain't right. The marriage business. Ok, you wrote the marriage business. So if the business is sexed and one partner feels like you know, I'm not in the mood, I don't want to do it, and the other one is like come on, baby. It's been a few days or a week or a month or whatever it's been. You know the desires aren't the same, the you know all of the things that happens in marriage. How do you deal with that from a business?
Speaker 2:perspective is it a?
Speaker 1:negotiation. At that point Do we develop a contract for the lovemaking.
Speaker 2:Sometimes it is a negotiation actually, and sometimes it's a scheduled thing to like a holiday, or it is Tuesday at 2 pm Get it.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, we got our meeting. But the second matter is too.
Speaker 2:The other thing I think we've learned is that having this strategy for marriage has helped us even with understanding intimacy better and having intimacy and understanding the need for intimacy, but also the desire. I will tell you that for me, intimacy is not that important. But what I will also say is this when I have somebody who is pushing me and like I got your bag and I'm here, we're winning together, it's more a trap. It helps. It helps to see in the marriage that you're fighting, even if it's just like I need a cuddle tonight because you know who was helping me win this week and you got it and you was there for me.
Speaker 2:I had a book signing Sunday and my husband was at the book signing, making sure hold the book this way, like he was working at it. I was like, ok, you getting it tonight. Ok, it's a trap, though, because we winning the game.
Speaker 1:And how do you know what? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I always say this intimacy is emotional closest and physical closest. We kind of think about it as the physical aspect of it. But you can say I don't need to be intimate in the same way that he does, and that could be true. But one thing is that connectedness that you felt in that moment when he sought out a need that you had, that maybe you didn't recognize you had, in that moment, like that, becomes this thing that bubbles up inside of us and makes it like, oh my gosh, him doing that external thing makes me want to physically be more close to him.
Speaker 2:So that's what I'm saying I feel like, really, the marriage, if you use it as the most important asset and resource in your life, it trickles on to everything else. When you start seeing this man bought in or your partner bought in to you winning, and not only your career but in your personal life, as a mom, as a boss, all the things you see them that committed, that partner, that committed to you, it helps in that other area. I'm telling you you're helping me win, you've got to. I want to reward you. You know, going back to that accountability, that reward, sister, you're getting the bonus.
Speaker 2:You're getting the bonus this year. You're getting a renewal of your contract this year, bro, because you've been getting set up.
Speaker 1:All right, now we've gotten there. Yes, we need a bonus system in place for folks to You're getting the bonus you know, versus a performance improvement plan. Now you don't want me to put you on the clip.
Speaker 2:Now I'm going to prove it, because you ain't meeting your goals. Like that's a problem too.
Speaker 1:Listen, he might be putting you on a performance improvement plan. Ok.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:Well, listen, I can't wait for everyone to get their hands on this book. I will be putting a link to the book in the show notes, as well as any upcoming appearances or signings, because, like I said, mama is all over the place going hither and yon trying to sell this book and the people are buying it. So I want you guys you guys listening out there today please follow my girl, benika Wilson, at Benika Wilson and at the Business With B on Instagram and TikTok for the most up to date information of where she's at, what she's doing and, quite frankly, what the book is doing in other people's lives. I look forward to all the praise, reports and testimonies that this book is going to bring, and I just can't thank you enough, benika, for being here. Auntie Bucca Nica, as Sky calls her, or she did Now she can pronounce your name, but back in the day she used to say Auntie Bucca Nica, yes, I thank you so much for being here with us.
Speaker 2:Thank you, I have enjoyed being with you. Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1:Thank you for being such a wonderful friend. Oh my gosh, I forgot to tell the people how you kill me. You try to kill me. So I met Benica now, benica and myself and Benica's husband, dante. We went to college together, didn't really I knew him, but didn't really interact with him very much in college and I was on a trip on a. We were on a retreat, a women's retreat.
Speaker 2:Yes, and you are like the speaker. Let's not leave that detail out.
Speaker 1:Okay, all right, benica was I mean, you know she, you see her personality, she's dynamic, she's beautiful, someone I was drawn to, so like I, you know I met her, realize we had this connection and I was like, oh my gosh, you're great, oh my gosh. So Benica, I guess it got locked.
Speaker 1:You got locked out of your room or something. Is that what it was? Okay. So, benica, I'm asleep, it's dead and night. Okay, I'm in. I'm on a ground floor room, okay.
Speaker 1:So if you're at a resort and you're on the ground floor is great, because you usually have those sliding panel doors where you can walk right out to the pool or right out to the gardens and the oceans right there and you can walk straight out. That's the type of room I had. I believe you were in the room next door to me, so she had the same situation. So I'm in the room by myself minding my business in the middle of the dark of night, okay, and you know, by myself sleeping soundly. And the next thing I know there is a flashlight out, I hear something outside, there's a flashlight shining into the patio I had the windows to shades drawn or whatever, but like there's a light shining in and then somebody starts opening the patio door to my hotel room. Now you'll have seen these shows on TLC and oxygen and in lifetime, where people get snatched and you in a foreign country and don't nobody know where you are and I'm like, oh my gosh, somebody's coming in and I start screaming.
Speaker 1:Listen, I was about to get got Okay.
Speaker 2:Oh, they're in the wrong room. The first of all. Why the maintenance man? And have a key. Okay, why the maintenance man? Why the first of all?
Speaker 1:Okay, so what had happened was when he got locked out of her room. When he got locked out of her room, they were trying to come in through the through. The through the outside came, were we're busting in my room.
Speaker 2:I was dating Lady Harder, say she was not gonna be my friend ever again. I don't know who you might be.
Speaker 1:I was like I cannot believe. You said to people and they kill me, I don't understand this, but okay.
Speaker 2:I will kill you. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, I was. I asleep that the rest of that night, and I think we were not next day. I don't know. That is not true. I even took a picture with you the next day. I still have a picture, if I can find. If I can find a picture, I will post it. But I have a picture the day after you tried to kill me and we were fine. But I love it.
Speaker 2:I've been trying to make it up to you.
Speaker 1:We were fine, I know, I know we won't even talk about the Beyonce concert that I missed because I ended up in the hospital, which was a night.
Speaker 1:This year, jason, and I know I owe you because I was on. Oh my gosh, the last story I'm going to tell and I'm going to let you go. So, but Nika gifted me the. This was formation, wasn't it? I was there, I was there, I wanted to be there so bad. So that particular day I had an appearance on. I don't think I was Joyce Lytel, but it was some other local. It was a local radio thing that I had right before that, and so I'd gone over there. I done the, the radio thing. We're talking about love and relationships. I think it was Joyce Lytel, actually, but talking about love and relationships, I leave you one of the one of three studios and I'm like I'm a little hungry. I'm going to go to the gas station. I ain't getting into a while. Got some like mixed nuts, okay, in a bag. I was like I'm going to go, I'll get something when we get to Mercedes Benz. I think that's where it was right.
Speaker 1:So I get there and on the way, like my stomach just starts what's happening down here, I'm out of the car and I immediately, as soon as I stand up, I have to sit back down in the car because I got bubble guts and I'm like I don't know when and how this is going to come out, but something don't seem right. And then I'm thinking about it. I'm like, but, and it's this thing right? It's like Beyonce, bubble guts, beyonce, bubble guts. I gotta go see Beyonce. I'm like I'm going to get a free ticket and these were like floor seats or something right, I don't know what they were because I never made it into the stadium. So I leave my car and I'm like I'm just going to make it to the bathroom, because if I can make it to the bathroom, perhaps this is way too much, these are intimate details, but so I'm like if I make it to the bathroom, I can go out and I'll be okay and no one will know.
Speaker 1:And no one will know. And that's where the grassy no, outside of the stadium, and I had to sit down and the little, the people that were kind of like directing people, they were like, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, I just need a minute.
Speaker 1:By this time I'm like sweating because, you know when you have situations yes, really hard to hold it in, but there was nowhere for it to go. So I was like I've gotta hold it in. But I got to catch my breath. Let me just sit down. I'm sweating over there like, are you okay? So I start throwing up outside, right. But then I'm still thinking again bubblegum, yeah, I'd say bubblegum, say something like okay, I could probably walk somewhere and get something to freshen the breath. I could probably like it's out now, maybe I'll start feeling better. But it wasn't feeling any better and I was like I just need, I just need like some pedialyte something. But I got it. I have to go see Beyonce, right.
Speaker 1:And by this time, like I think you were seated, y'all had started. Like you know, the concert hadn't started, but you were kind of like hey, girl, where are you? I thought you said you were on your way and I'm like girl, I'm outside stadium, I'm outside, I'm outside, so I'm still sitting there. And they were like man, are you going to stay, are you going to just lay here, or what are you going to do? And I was like can you just toss the mic please? So I'm thinking they're going to bring somebody that can give me some zoe brand or something to help my stomach so I can still go into Beyonce. Charlie Brady, ambulance came and I was like first of all nothing against.
Speaker 1:Grady. I know Grady saves lives. I know that if I'm ever in a trauma related event that that is the perfect place for me to go. But what I was not going to do is get in the ambulance and be taking the Grady to sit there for 12 hours because, I had the trice so I was like no, I can't.
Speaker 1:I was like, can't y'all just give me like a quick IV? And I could just run on it. And they were like man, we cannot give you an IV. And then let you go into like we're giving you an IV, you coming with us. I can't do that. I'm like I can't do that.
Speaker 2:I got to go. What we do for Beyonce girl.
Speaker 1:I'm just saying and I missed it. I missed it because by this time, like I thrown up again and what it was was they thought I had been drinking. Right, I had a drop. They thought I was like drunk and throwing up because of that and I was like I haven't had anything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was waiting on drinking.
Speaker 1:But I haven't, yes. So they were like just get in the ambulance. I'm like I'm not getting in the ambulance, I'm going to drive myself home.
Speaker 1:So I got back in the car by this time it's dust is starting to get dark, concerts getting ready to start and I'm like there is no way, because the last thing I need is to be in the midst of Phillips arena for something to come up or out. So this time, bubble guts one I made myself made it back to home and by the time I got home I was like you got to take me, to take me to the hospital, which I could have gone earlier, but I was too good to go. So we went to the hospital. I think I sent you, or Jason sent you a text message in the middle. Yes, I was like no, finally got my IV. That's the mess Me.
Speaker 2:I'm so bad, though, to see you, oh yeah.
Speaker 1:You, me, I was going to be on this concert with a diaper on. I was so worried about you you know, but when I found out, that how bad it was.
Speaker 2:I was like, oh, I was like I feel like I should listen.
Speaker 1:Y'all see, she didn't say she had a great time she had a great time. No, no, no. You have to live to tell the story. You're supposed to live to tell the story. Like I, I still cringe, and I went to the concert this year. I went to her, her, her tour this year.
Speaker 2:When I tell you I didn't talk about it beforehand, because I was so scared, like something's going to say I won't be able to. I was so trying to be on, say, jinx, you was like I was like I didn't want to eat nothing.
Speaker 1:I'm not eating the whole day. I ain't doing none of that. All right, we have gone way past our time and way past the subject matter. We went way into the show. I don't know pick up marriage business.
Speaker 2:It's your intimate details.
Speaker 1:today, we're going to intimate you know that whenever I do this, you know I'm weighing my options.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Beyonce bubbleguts, and hopefully Beyonce wins every time, but there was one time she did not win. Okay, all right. You guys, thank you so much for joining us today. Don't forget to like, comment, share and subscribe. Do us a favor. If you know someone who needs the information not the bubbleguts information, but information on marriage business that wants to save their marriage, that is strategically minded and really could use some different principles to get their marriage back on course, marriage business is the book for you. Please go get it. It'll be in the show notes, as well as any other information about our guest, ms Benita Wilson. Follow her at Benita Wilson or at the business would be on Instagram and TikTok and share this with a friend, because somebody needs this. Somebody else needs this information. Be a good friend, be a good friend to people and just share this information. Okay, please, and thank you. Thank you so much, benita, for being here.
Speaker 2:I love you. Thank you so much for having me. This has been such a blessing to be with my friends today.
Speaker 1:I love it and I love you. All right guys, have a good rest of the day, Ciao.
